catching up

blog, blog, blog
or blah, blah, blah


Haven't wanted to blog, but there's a lot going on in my mind.
Need to back way up and try to remember what's gone on.

Kelly nominated me for a Monday Morning Makeover with WCTV.  Had my nails and hair done.  It was fun.  The girl who 'did me' went to Springwood many years ago.  She's 21 now.  I didn't know her then.  Haven't been on WCTV's website or program yet.

Easter Saturday was a tough day.  I started out working in the yard, but had no motivation or pep.  After lunch, I decided to give in to the feeling and spend the rest of the afternoon on the couch.  Took a cat nap, watched TV.  Easter Sunday was special, thinking about John in heaven celebrating his first Easter there with Jesus, the reason for our hope.  Lunch with the family, then home.  Put on John's hat and started going through the chest of drawers, getting ready for our upcoming garage sale.  I found 5 sticky notes!  One of them said, "Christ is coming!"  How appropriate for Easter.  The funniest place he put a sticky note was in the last pair of his favorite underwear.  [inside joke]
In a book entitled "A Time of Departing", John highlighted the title page and signed his name with xxoo's.  Those words must have resonated with him. 

Just as there were markers of decline for me to watch for in John, I am discovering what his main marker was:  signing his name.  Going through things in his office, I've found page after page where John practiced signing his name.  I knew he did this when he got ready to sign the photographs he had blown up for me, but other pages are in different notebooks, scratch pads, on sheets of notebook paper.  One of the sticky notes I found the other day was late in the process, when he started printing his name only and spelling it 'Johe'.  I've put them all in a little photo album, with an explanation of where and when I found them.

Thinking about joining First Bapt. Havana choir this summer.
Need to fill out the papers to recertify.
Need to walk more to prepare for hiking this summer.
Want to volunteer more at the museum this summer.
Got up at 5:30 a.m. to watch Catherine and William marry.
Was suppose to have new shingles delivered Friday but they weren't......
film update:  the Brownie camera film had no pictures on it.  The 126 had about 5 pictures.  One was of a man on a couch.  Had it printed to see if it's Mr. John.  Had to take the camera apart to try to get that special ADX film out.  It's being developed now.

Tim, Georgia, and Kohle have come from Idaho.  Got to Daytona last night.  Mr. John has been in the hospital for several days.  They give him transfusions and platelets, and within a few hours, the platelets are gone from his body.  Tim helped get him home today, there won't be any more treatments, and Gloria called Hospice today to get support. 

make-over hair

It's here

John's headstone was set last Friday.  I rushed to the cemetary to see it before my parents picked me up for Marshall's baseball game.  It's beautiful.  I thought I'd fall apart when I saw it, but it was more of a relief.  Now there's a permanent memorial to him that will be registered 'forever' in the Town of Havana records.  

here he is

angel bear

Sarah has a mom in her class who embroiders everything and anything really well.  I thought about asking her to put John's Angel logo on the bear's shirt, if I could find a blue or black button-down. 

When I walked into the Build-a-Bear store this morning, that mom was there shopping with her daughter.  What an excellent omen that I would find the right bear.  Or at least I took it as a sign it would all work out.

I asked her if she'd embroider something for me on a bear shirt and she said yes.

They didn't have a solid button-down, but the lady helping me had an idea.  She came back with a "cub scout" shirt; blue, button-down, with several patches.  I showed it to the mom and asked her if we could take them off and add the logo.  Again she said yes.

I got a tan bear, white tennis shoes, white low top socks, tan shorts, blue shirt, and the kicker: a safari hat!  [John wore a safari hat the last several years. I think we got it at Walmart.]

When they stuff the bear, you have to step on the pedal that powers the blower that shoots the stuffing into its body.  You also get to pick a plain, satin heart printed with "I love you" or a heart you press that says different things.  I took my Sharpie with me so I could write "Laura & John" on the satin heart, then I put it in.  I watched another bear builder help a couple of kids with theirs, and they made a wish and a promise before they put their hearts in.  This is a ritual you are to do during the process of stuffing.  My helper asked me if I made a wish.  I told her "he knows."  And when she pulled the stitches to close the back of the bear, I fell apart.  She looked at me sympathetically, so I told her my husband had died, and this was his work uniform.  And that I hoped to make it through without crying.  She gave me a hug. 

I registered the bear on their computer.  Named it John Dennis, and gave it the birthdate of April 4, 2011.  Our anniversary date.  When I told Sharon I picked our anniversary date for his b'day, she asked, "Which one?"  We do have lots of special dates to celebrate.

I managed to get out of the store in one piece.  Mush, but one piece.  He's now dressed, except for his shirt. 
very cute

another first

April 4th, our 8th anniversary, was an emotional day.  A particular meltdown happened at lunch while Sarah and I talked about teddy bears.  She said when you make a bear at the mall, they give you a little heart to put inside it.  I told her I didn't think I could make it through doing that.  I pulled up the Prince Charming bear and showed Sarah.  It could even be made with blue eyes. 

During my planning time, the teammate who videoed when John came to school to propose, set the video on my desk.  It was almost a year ago when he asked me to marry him, and I thought the video long gone.  So did she.  It's in a weird format and he husband will try to convert it to a cd in the next couple of weeks.

When I got home from school, I wanted to emerse myself in something of John's.  I put on his favorite hat and started the process of putting together his family's memory packets with a copy of the audio of his memorial service, obit, copies of pages from the guest book; etc.  I spent a couple of hours sorting, reading, and remembering.  I gathered some old cards we'd given each other to put in my keepsake box.  One of the cards was the one John gave me on our last anniversary.  It was between surgeries, so there were some mixed up words, but it reminded me of the decline he went through in reading, writing, and speaking.

During class, our registrar called on my intercom to say I had a personal phone call.  My heart dropped, thinking it might be about Mr. John.  But hooray, hooray, it was good news.  Kelly nominated me for a WCTV Monday Morning Makeover!  Hair, make-up....lots of pampering.   They're going to call to schedule.

Today I found a sticky note!  It has been a while since I've come across one, and was hoping to.  It was in a drawer of my Grandma's old sewing machine, which I don't go in often.  It said, "Gen. 1-12   Love ya! John
xoxo"  John loved studying Genesis 1-12 and wanted to teach on it.  He worked on a lesson plan for it a couple of years ago, before he got sick.  Found the cards the other day, too, in John's office. 

Tomorrow I would like to go to the bear store at the mall and make one so I can put a heart in it.  That's much more personal than just ordering one.  I hope they have an outfit. 

Talked with Mr. John and Gloria yesterday.  He has had 2 blood transfusions and platelets in 2 weeks, and was going for more platelets today.  Gloria contacted Hospice over there.  I'm glad.  They'll give her much-needed help.

all over the map

When I am tired, I get emotional.  With my first week back at work, I'm tired.  Doesn't help that tomorrow is our 8th anniversary.  John and I always celebrated April 4th as our anniversary and agreed that no matter what day we were married, we'd continue to use that date.  Well, actually I say it was April 1st but John said April 4th, no discussion.  "IT" was our first kiss, in the parking lot of the bowling alley.  2003.  So long ago.

I've been tired all day.  Not sleeping through the night.  I wake up around 2:30 for an hour or so, then don't feel rested in the mornings.  Taking a p.m. tonight.

How to celebrate our anniversary?  Thought about going to the "Build a Bear" store and making a boy bear wearing something that reminds me of John.  For 4 Valentine's, he gave me bears:  one wearing camo for hunting, Yankees with my name on the jersey, 2 with Valentines.  Vermont Teddy Bears has a "Prince Charming" bear.  He's holding a glass slipper on a pillow, and this may be the one I go with, but I wanted to make one myself.  I may go to the store and see what they have.  Would love to find a blue button-down shirt and have it embroidered with "Angel Carpet Cleaning" like John's uniforms.  decisions decisions

School went well today.  The kids were tired coming off spring break, but they worked hard and cooperatively.  My massage after school helped.  Dog tired.  This morning was the earliest I've gotten up in months!  44 days until summer!