another first

April 4th, our 8th anniversary, was an emotional day.  A particular meltdown happened at lunch while Sarah and I talked about teddy bears.  She said when you make a bear at the mall, they give you a little heart to put inside it.  I told her I didn't think I could make it through doing that.  I pulled up the Prince Charming bear and showed Sarah.  It could even be made with blue eyes. 

During my planning time, the teammate who videoed when John came to school to propose, set the video on my desk.  It was almost a year ago when he asked me to marry him, and I thought the video long gone.  So did she.  It's in a weird format and he husband will try to convert it to a cd in the next couple of weeks.

When I got home from school, I wanted to emerse myself in something of John's.  I put on his favorite hat and started the process of putting together his family's memory packets with a copy of the audio of his memorial service, obit, copies of pages from the guest book; etc.  I spent a couple of hours sorting, reading, and remembering.  I gathered some old cards we'd given each other to put in my keepsake box.  One of the cards was the one John gave me on our last anniversary.  It was between surgeries, so there were some mixed up words, but it reminded me of the decline he went through in reading, writing, and speaking.

During class, our registrar called on my intercom to say I had a personal phone call.  My heart dropped, thinking it might be about Mr. John.  But hooray, hooray, it was good news.  Kelly nominated me for a WCTV Monday Morning Makeover!  Hair, make-up....lots of pampering.   They're going to call to schedule.

Today I found a sticky note!  It has been a while since I've come across one, and was hoping to.  It was in a drawer of my Grandma's old sewing machine, which I don't go in often.  It said, "Gen. 1-12   Love ya! John
xoxo"  John loved studying Genesis 1-12 and wanted to teach on it.  He worked on a lesson plan for it a couple of years ago, before he got sick.  Found the cards the other day, too, in John's office. 

Tomorrow I would like to go to the bear store at the mall and make one so I can put a heart in it.  That's much more personal than just ordering one.  I hope they have an outfit. 

Talked with Mr. John and Gloria yesterday.  He has had 2 blood transfusions and platelets in 2 weeks, and was going for more platelets today.  Gloria contacted Hospice over there.  I'm glad.  They'll give her much-needed help.

all over the map

When I am tired, I get emotional.  With my first week back at work, I'm tired.  Doesn't help that tomorrow is our 8th anniversary.  John and I always celebrated April 4th as our anniversary and agreed that no matter what day we were married, we'd continue to use that date.  Well, actually I say it was April 1st but John said April 4th, no discussion.  "IT" was our first kiss, in the parking lot of the bowling alley.  2003.  So long ago.

I've been tired all day.  Not sleeping through the night.  I wake up around 2:30 for an hour or so, then don't feel rested in the mornings.  Taking a p.m. tonight.

How to celebrate our anniversary?  Thought about going to the "Build a Bear" store and making a boy bear wearing something that reminds me of John.  For 4 Valentine's, he gave me bears:  one wearing camo for hunting, Yankees with my name on the jersey, 2 with Valentines.  Vermont Teddy Bears has a "Prince Charming" bear.  He's holding a glass slipper on a pillow, and this may be the one I go with, but I wanted to make one myself.  I may go to the store and see what they have.  Would love to find a blue button-down shirt and have it embroidered with "Angel Carpet Cleaning" like John's uniforms.  decisions decisions

School went well today.  The kids were tired coming off spring break, but they worked hard and cooperatively.  My massage after school helped.  Dog tired.  This morning was the earliest I've gotten up in months!  44 days until summer!

hi ho, hi ho

..........it's back to work I go.  Got a lot accomplished today.   Sorta have a grip on where we are in the grand scheme of things.

Not long after I received my beautiful engagement ring, I either used hand sanitizer or a bathroom cleaning product that tarnished the gold and turned it purple.  Where my finger constantly rubs the band, the tarnish came off.  Last week I took it in to the Gem Collection to see what happened and to get it cleaned....hopefully.  I just about had a meltdown driving down Capital Circle toward the store.  I got John's wedding ring from the Gem Collection, and we looked there for mine.  I had a hard time giving the girl my ring.  Then when she said she needed to take it up to the jeweler, I sat down and nervously waited for her return.  She was gone a while, brought it back into her room to blow it dry, and it was fabulous!  The jeweler sent me a message to NOT do that again.  I assured her I take it off now when I clean.  A little while later I made a stop at my bank and the girl complimented my ring.  Made me feel good.

Yesterday was rough, probably because I knew I was going back to work today.  Plus Fred posted pictures from Kimberly's wedding and that made me think of Vickie which made me sad.
For years, when I'd make copies at school, I'd spend the time standing there talking on the phone with John.  One of the 'firsts' happened again.  I almost reached for the phone on the wall to call John as the copy machine whirred along.

first steps back

Went to church this morning.  Arrived late and left during the final prayer. Couldn't sing for crying but it felt good to be there.  When I used to go to church and John stopped going, I would set my cell phone on the chair next to me so I could see if John called.  Another one of those things I don't have to do anymore.

Actually cooked this afternoon:  ground venison, mixed with baked beans and bbq sauce; cornbread.  Will be good for lunches next week.

Was sad because John isn't here to clean the tile on the kitchen counter and wall because it's looking rough.  Then I remembered he left me the tile cleaner.  The only thing I didn't have was the big machine, and didn't need it.  Got busy with a toothbrush after church and it worked well.  Now the tile is shiny and clean.

Still have lots of unfinished "business" from John's stuff &/or mine.  Can't think of one thing I've completed, mainly because you fill out a form and then have to wait.  But work begins tomorrow and I'll have to juggle phone calls, faxes, emails, letters, paperwork, and kids.

My counselor says I should blog more. 
I didn't realize how "out of touch" I'd become in those last months.  John liked tv commercials muted.  Lately, I've seen several of them with the sound 'on' and have been surprised at the music or conversations in the commercials.  I had never heard them.

Going back to work Monday.  Planning day.  Counseling, massage, ball games all next week.  Talk about jumping back in with both feet! 

I feel very close to John when I sing/listen to Christian music.  He is where I'm singing about, with God, knowing the mysteries and glories we only sing about with words we think describe heaven, God, angels.  Part of me is here and part of me is there.

Today is the 139th anniversary of the 7.8-8.2 earthquake in California that my novel is set around. 

I ordered John's headstone last week.  It's plain but nice. 

Three good movies:  The Unknown, Lincoln Lawyer, The Adjustment Bureau.

snippets

John was creative with graphics and layouts, composing ads, and even took a couple of graphic design classes. 

Yesterday, I rifled through four years of John's old business papers to burn.  I found a couple of pictures he had taken of carpet cleaning products, as though he were working up an ad for them.  He had been a member of the Capital City Apartment Association, which he told me about, to get his foot in the door with managers and others in that realm.  Nothing shocking or surprising in the boxes.  I saved an old Valentine his mom made for him in the early 1990's.  
He couldn't spell back then either.

I finally decided what to do with all these sticky notes John left me.  I'm going to put them in an album and label them with when and where I find it.  Will be fun to look back on one day.  I'm afraid if I leave them where I find them, I'll forget where they are and throw some out or have to relook for them later.

Still writing thank you notes. 
I can tell I'm working in the yard a lot because my nails are suffering.
We're having a beautiful spring.  It's dry and yellow-green from pollen, but as soon as we get a good rain, the grass will pop out and the mowing will begin.  ugh

One week until heading back to school.  
Sleeping pretty good at night.  Still going to grief counseling. 
Saw "Unknown" with Liam Neeson last night.  great twists and action