John woke up feeling fine the day after the headache. He didn't use his walker; said he didn't need it. Bob and Rick came for lunch, and Rick did a look-see under the house, sort of like a check-up. Things look very good for an almost 60-year old house. I am going to pursue adding extra supports underneath, especially with the piano weighing so much.
Mama came over after the guys left. John enjoys her visits. Our Hospice nurse popped in with supplies and checked John's vitals. He was wiped out from our lunch company so she didn't stay long. I told her I was going to buy a shower chair rather than get one from them. It's something I can store in the attic easily enough for the next person who may need it. She suggested we check at Goodwill or another thrift store. great idea
Walter and Ruby from Havana church brought a big bowl of stew. Last Wednesday they brought BBQ.
Today, our Sunday School teacher from Havana came by with diet cokes for John. He stayed a bit and we talked about computers. I baked cookies because Sarah was coming by after school. She stayed for supper. We had stew and cornbread. It was great to see her and get caught up on everybody. I told her we should make it a weekly date. therapy for us both
Found out for sure that John's dad has leukemia, along with MDS. If they treat one, the other will kill him. All they can offer is blood transfusions when he feels bad. There are no treatments at this point and they gave him 'months, not even a year' to live. He went home from the hospital today, but has to wear a mask when in public. This adds another layer to the surreal life we already lead.
I won! As a 'fan' of Tallahassee Magazine on facebook, I entered my favorite memories of Springtime Tallahassee and they chose mine, along with many others, as a winner. I get a pass to sit in the reviewing stand for the parade, and my quote and picture will be in the Talla. Mag. I go to their office for my headshot Tuesday. hmmmm.....what to wear..........for a headshot :)
My quote was about marching in the parade in high school, then taking Marshall all these years; necklaces, crewes; etc.
Our Godby graduates association has started a facebook page for Cougar Angels; those who have passed away. The list is too long. and growing
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
marker day
There will be days when I look back on it all, where I will see turns and changes. Today will be one of those days. It started out with John a little weak. He ate, sat on the couch, then said he needed to go back to bed. Not sure if he slept, but must have dozed. My teacher friend, Betsy, called and wanted to drop by soup she made. We had a good visit. It was interesting to hear what was going on at school, but more in an observer roll, and leave it at the table when we got up. Not my problem. She did have a bit of excellent news, tho. Our school will be "smart" beginning next year, and phased in over a few years. Wireless, projected, sound, you name it.
John wanted me in the room with him. His head hurt. I pulled in Sharon's rocking chair from when Marshall was born, a bowl of soup, a book, the phone, and the radio with earbuds, and hunkered down. I'm learning not to ask him if he wants something or needs anything. I tell him I'm going to do it or get it. As with his lunch, when I asked if he wanted to eat, with stomach growling he said no. I couldn't take it any more and told him I was going to fix him a bowl of soup. He ate it with several bites of french bread.
I started reading 2 Corinthians to him. He enjoys me reading the Bible to him, and I love doing it....for him and for me. Amazing how many scriptures deal with death, comfort, hope.
I called the Hospice nurse and social worker and asked them not to come today. John didn't feel like being observed, talked to, or measured. I told the nurse I think we're ready for a walker. She said she'd order us one thru the company they use. Didn't know when it would be delivered. By then, John was asleep again. Not much later, I heard a vehicle out front, and there was his walker. The guy showed me how to work it and suggested I put tennis balls on the legs since we have hard wood floors. As expected, John said he wouldn't need the walker.
While he was in the bathroom, the preacher from Havana came by. He and I were in the living room when John tried to get up from the toilet. He went to his knees. I called from the hall but he told me to go away, he'd be ok. I stood there for a while and could hear him trying to get up, bumping the cabinet, wearing himself out. He wouldn't let me come in and help. I went back to the living room when I heard him open the door. John went back to bed, giving his apologies to the preacher. I told the preacher, "This is where we are right now. New today, a marker day."
The preacher had excellent advise for me. It was probably a good thing John went back to bed so I could be reminded of things I'm learning the hard way. I told the preacher I sometimes feel guilty for having a friend over or going to town, because John can't go or always enjoy a visit. He said to give myself permission to take time for me. If I'm not fed, rested, or well, I can't take care of John. Take five or ten minutes to pull weeds in the yard or bake something; whatever is therapy for me. Grab a neighbor walking by and ask them to sit with John for a few minutes while I run to the dollar store or take a walk around the block. He kept using the word 'caretaker.' I have always hated that word. Actually wrote an essay about how I hate that word! But I am a caretaker. It was a hard day for me when I realized that. My friend, Teresa, handed me a card with a caretaker's prayer on it. I wondered why she was giving it to me because I wasn't a caretaker. [this was after John's first surgery] And standing in the hall at church, I realized I was. The dreaded word meant for old people. Not me.
At dinner, John and I ate in the living room on the couch. We watched only a few minutes of tv and he was ready for bed. His head hurt terribly. He took 2 p.m.'s and finally fell asleep. While we were laying there, I reminded him of things we'd done together over the years, like driving to J'ville to buy books and cd's at the discount Christian book store, and eating lunch at the chuckwagon place. Hiking lots of trails around here; walking the dry lakebed of Cascade Lake, then canoeing it when it filled up again. Visiting his oldest niece and nephew when they lived here. John would smile and said he remembered.
He did use the walker to get out of bed twice. It gives him something to lean on. The bathroom doorway isn't wide enough to fit the walker thru, dang it. That's where we really need it most. I turned it sideways and he used it to get off the toilet. Not a perfect system but he saw how it helped him. I took up the rug in the hall, and one in the bathroom. Hopefully he'll see the support it gives. I'm not going to give him a choice about using it. We're there. Another step down the slippery slope of liquidating life.
John wanted me in the room with him. His head hurt. I pulled in Sharon's rocking chair from when Marshall was born, a bowl of soup, a book, the phone, and the radio with earbuds, and hunkered down. I'm learning not to ask him if he wants something or needs anything. I tell him I'm going to do it or get it. As with his lunch, when I asked if he wanted to eat, with stomach growling he said no. I couldn't take it any more and told him I was going to fix him a bowl of soup. He ate it with several bites of french bread.
I started reading 2 Corinthians to him. He enjoys me reading the Bible to him, and I love doing it....for him and for me. Amazing how many scriptures deal with death, comfort, hope.
I called the Hospice nurse and social worker and asked them not to come today. John didn't feel like being observed, talked to, or measured. I told the nurse I think we're ready for a walker. She said she'd order us one thru the company they use. Didn't know when it would be delivered. By then, John was asleep again. Not much later, I heard a vehicle out front, and there was his walker. The guy showed me how to work it and suggested I put tennis balls on the legs since we have hard wood floors. As expected, John said he wouldn't need the walker.
While he was in the bathroom, the preacher from Havana came by. He and I were in the living room when John tried to get up from the toilet. He went to his knees. I called from the hall but he told me to go away, he'd be ok. I stood there for a while and could hear him trying to get up, bumping the cabinet, wearing himself out. He wouldn't let me come in and help. I went back to the living room when I heard him open the door. John went back to bed, giving his apologies to the preacher. I told the preacher, "This is where we are right now. New today, a marker day."
The preacher had excellent advise for me. It was probably a good thing John went back to bed so I could be reminded of things I'm learning the hard way. I told the preacher I sometimes feel guilty for having a friend over or going to town, because John can't go or always enjoy a visit. He said to give myself permission to take time for me. If I'm not fed, rested, or well, I can't take care of John. Take five or ten minutes to pull weeds in the yard or bake something; whatever is therapy for me. Grab a neighbor walking by and ask them to sit with John for a few minutes while I run to the dollar store or take a walk around the block. He kept using the word 'caretaker.' I have always hated that word. Actually wrote an essay about how I hate that word! But I am a caretaker. It was a hard day for me when I realized that. My friend, Teresa, handed me a card with a caretaker's prayer on it. I wondered why she was giving it to me because I wasn't a caretaker. [this was after John's first surgery] And standing in the hall at church, I realized I was. The dreaded word meant for old people. Not me.
At dinner, John and I ate in the living room on the couch. We watched only a few minutes of tv and he was ready for bed. His head hurt terribly. He took 2 p.m.'s and finally fell asleep. While we were laying there, I reminded him of things we'd done together over the years, like driving to J'ville to buy books and cd's at the discount Christian book store, and eating lunch at the chuckwagon place. Hiking lots of trails around here; walking the dry lakebed of Cascade Lake, then canoeing it when it filled up again. Visiting his oldest niece and nephew when they lived here. John would smile and said he remembered.
He did use the walker to get out of bed twice. It gives him something to lean on. The bathroom doorway isn't wide enough to fit the walker thru, dang it. That's where we really need it most. I turned it sideways and he used it to get off the toilet. Not a perfect system but he saw how it helped him. I took up the rug in the hall, and one in the bathroom. Hopefully he'll see the support it gives. I'm not going to give him a choice about using it. We're there. Another step down the slippery slope of liquidating life.
Monday, January 24, 2011
and don't call me mom
Learned a good lesson today. Usually I take my clothes and stuff with me in the bathroom when I get a shower, but this morning. It was not as cold and I took only my underwear. No sooner had the shower cut off than I heard a knock at the front door. I was trapped. John let them in. Fortunately I recognized the voice as one of my retired teacher friends--female. I called her name and she replied. whew I told her honestly: just got out of the shower, running to my room to get dressed. Take things with you when bathing because these days, you never know.
Went for my 'female' report and it's not great. He wants to do a procedure that requires 'twilight' [and I don't mean the book or movie]. He wants to go a little further 'up' where he can't see, and take samples. I asked if we could put it off a couple of months given my 'situation' and he said yes, but not beyond that. I can't be out of commission.
Ran errands after the dr appt. Mama stayed with John while I was gone. The teacher friend who popped in this a.m. came back later with a spaghetti/salad dinner. She and another retired teacher, Ann, and I are planning lunch in Havana the first week of February. Can you believe February is almost here??
Yesterday and today John's right side has been very weak. Tonight he finally went down on his knees in the bathroom. I knew this was coming. He didn't fall, just went down slowly. He told me to go away when I started walking over to him. I watched from a distance....safe distance. He got up and brushed his teeth. The Hospice nurse is coming tomorrow. I think I'll call her and see if we can get a walker.
I used to think in quarters/3 months, because that's about how often John had mri's. Then it was months; how many months since his last surgery. And suddenly, how many months does he have left. Looking back over the last month, I'm amazed at his decline, and now looking at the past week, I'm even more amazed. I know soon it will be days compared to days. Month compared to month, week compared to week, days compared to days. liquidating life
Didn't get any updates on John's dad today. Must not be anything new.
When John is really weary, he calls me mom...............
I said, "Laura" when he did it again today. His reply, "I know. That's what I said." At least it's correct in his head.
Went for my 'female' report and it's not great. He wants to do a procedure that requires 'twilight' [and I don't mean the book or movie]. He wants to go a little further 'up' where he can't see, and take samples. I asked if we could put it off a couple of months given my 'situation' and he said yes, but not beyond that. I can't be out of commission.
Ran errands after the dr appt. Mama stayed with John while I was gone. The teacher friend who popped in this a.m. came back later with a spaghetti/salad dinner. She and another retired teacher, Ann, and I are planning lunch in Havana the first week of February. Can you believe February is almost here??
Yesterday and today John's right side has been very weak. Tonight he finally went down on his knees in the bathroom. I knew this was coming. He didn't fall, just went down slowly. He told me to go away when I started walking over to him. I watched from a distance....safe distance. He got up and brushed his teeth. The Hospice nurse is coming tomorrow. I think I'll call her and see if we can get a walker.
I used to think in quarters/3 months, because that's about how often John had mri's. Then it was months; how many months since his last surgery. And suddenly, how many months does he have left. Looking back over the last month, I'm amazed at his decline, and now looking at the past week, I'm even more amazed. I know soon it will be days compared to days. Month compared to month, week compared to week, days compared to days. liquidating life
Didn't get any updates on John's dad today. Must not be anything new.
When John is really weary, he calls me mom...............
I said, "Laura" when he did it again today. His reply, "I know. That's what I said." At least it's correct in his head.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
great guys
What a random day. John got off to a very slow start. At almost lunch time, I decided to get a shower. Of course, when I turned on the water, the phone rang. It was my friend, Joe Ann. We hadn't talked in a while so I turned the water off. Knew it could be a long conversation. About the time Joe Ann and I finished, John's friend, Mike, called to see about coming over. Back to the bathroom to put away everything for my shower and try again later. We had a great visit with Mike. The guys talked about God. I started fixing lunch but Mike left. Not a commentary on my cooking. He had been here about 2 hours.
Not long after, Marvin called to find out if he could come over. [He and his son are the ones who videoed John talking about God. We went to high school with him.]
In the meantime, another high school friend called to say one of our classmate's house burned and he was taking up a collection for her to spend another week at a hotel. The Red Cross would cover one more night, but then she was on her own; broke, going thru a divorce. I met him at the Post Office where John's box is to donate toward the cause. He hadn't collected much. Wish I could've done more.
Tim's mother-in-law called wanting to come over tomorrow. I told John he's a celebrity with all these people wanting to see him. He just smiled.
Got back to the house and Marvin was already there. He and I had great conversation about God and the Bible. John interjected some but mostly listened.
We went thru his mail at 9:30 p.m. because he was wide awake and we hadn't had time to do it before. He was more 'with it' as the afternoon went on.
The right side of his face is more droopy and expresses less. Sometimes only the left side of his face smiles.
**A Little About Me**
Going to the Dr Monday to get the results of a colposcopy, and cervical polyp removal. Not life-threatening, but he has a plan of action. Second funky test result in 3 months. Never had a problem before.
Osteoporosis is worse/spreading/still there....not sure which because a comparison to 2 years ago wasn't made. My Primary is letting my endocrinologist handle it. He thinks it's tied in to my thyroid problems. Loaded up on almonds, chondroitant chews, fresh spinach, calcium & D, chondroit/glucos. tablets, cheese, milk. Step machine, weights.
Growing older is not for wimps.
Not long after, Marvin called to find out if he could come over. [He and his son are the ones who videoed John talking about God. We went to high school with him.]
In the meantime, another high school friend called to say one of our classmate's house burned and he was taking up a collection for her to spend another week at a hotel. The Red Cross would cover one more night, but then she was on her own; broke, going thru a divorce. I met him at the Post Office where John's box is to donate toward the cause. He hadn't collected much. Wish I could've done more.
Tim's mother-in-law called wanting to come over tomorrow. I told John he's a celebrity with all these people wanting to see him. He just smiled.
Got back to the house and Marvin was already there. He and I had great conversation about God and the Bible. John interjected some but mostly listened.
We went thru his mail at 9:30 p.m. because he was wide awake and we hadn't had time to do it before. He was more 'with it' as the afternoon went on.
The right side of his face is more droopy and expresses less. Sometimes only the left side of his face smiles.
**A Little About Me**
Going to the Dr Monday to get the results of a colposcopy, and cervical polyp removal. Not life-threatening, but he has a plan of action. Second funky test result in 3 months. Never had a problem before.
Osteoporosis is worse/spreading/still there....not sure which because a comparison to 2 years ago wasn't made. My Primary is letting my endocrinologist handle it. He thinks it's tied in to my thyroid problems. Loaded up on almonds, chondroitant chews, fresh spinach, calcium & D, chondroit/glucos. tablets, cheese, milk. Step machine, weights.
Growing older is not for wimps.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
not much new
John's friend, Bob, brought Chinese for lunch! He is going to bring another friend next week and I'm going to cook for them. As John told him, "This is her life," meaning I enjoy cooking for people.
Chilly overcast day. I ordered the dvd Jane Eyre [Joan Fontaine & Orson Wells] and it arrived today. John sat thru the whole movie with me. Then he went to bed! at 7:30. He'll be up at midnight wide away. Hope it's not 'one of those nights.'
He tried sleeping on the couch last night to keep his head propped up but after he slept for an hour, woke up and saw me still watching tv, he went to bed and slept well.
Running errands tomorrow.
Chilly overcast day. I ordered the dvd Jane Eyre [Joan Fontaine & Orson Wells] and it arrived today. John sat thru the whole movie with me. Then he went to bed! at 7:30. He'll be up at midnight wide away. Hope it's not 'one of those nights.'
He tried sleeping on the couch last night to keep his head propped up but after he slept for an hour, woke up and saw me still watching tv, he went to bed and slept well.
Running errands tomorrow.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
pj day
At 2:00 I switched my pajama bottoms for sweat pants and pulled a sweat shirt over the pj top to go to the mail box. Never did get dressed today. Mama came by for a few minutes. Sat on the couch with John most of the day. I asked him if, when he gets to heaven, will he ask God why he got sick, what caused the tumor, or anything like that. He said he hadn't thought about it but probably not. It won't matter then and he only wants to see God and talk about him. But he would think about my question.
The orioles are here. Swarming the neighborhood and stripping trees of berries and seeds. This morning, we watched them and a woodpecker, red bird, mocking bird.
John's father is in the hopital in Daytona. He isn't making enough white blood cells. They are running tons of tests and he'll be in until the figure it out and gets things under control.
Tomorrow, another of John's friends is to visit us. Another guy.
The orioles are here. Swarming the neighborhood and stripping trees of berries and seeds. This morning, we watched them and a woodpecker, red bird, mocking bird.
John's father is in the hopital in Daytona. He isn't making enough white blood cells. They are running tons of tests and he'll be in until the figure it out and gets things under control.
Tomorrow, another of John's friends is to visit us. Another guy.
dropsy turvy tuesday
wow I'm finding that if I don't write each night, I forget what I wanted to say. Yesterday, Tuesday, it seemed like all I did was clean up spills. John knocked over a soda on the coffee table and it ran down onto the rug and magazine, photos, books. He did a good job getting most of it up and didn't ask for help. Was able to save everything.
Later in the evening, John was pulling back the covers on the bed and had a stadium cup of water in his.....right hand. The next thing I knew......drip, splash. John's hand had slacked and he didn't even know he was pouring water into the bed. When I called his name and he turned, the water went on the rug and floor. He stood in it in his sock feet. I ran to the bathroom and grabbed a towel. I soaked up as much as I could, pulled the covers away, separated the wet sheets...blah, blah, blah. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I was mad at myself for being mad at him. He couldn't help it. But after everything was back to normal, I told him no more cups without lids!
We got out and walked a block to where the dogs live. They were out. Thank goodness I remembered the doggie treats. The lady who owns the dogs came out and told us their names are Bear and Brandy.
A different Hospice nurse came today. She is the first to measure his bulge and the area that keeps bleeding. I asked how he is to stand since one side is weak. He should put his weight on his left/good side when getting up and going up stairs.
John doesn't even try to use his right hand when eating any more and meals actually go better because he isn't struggling over which hand to use. When he's really tired, the right side of his body droops.
Two loads of laundry done. Cleaned all the ceiling fans. Feeling productive.
Later in the evening, John was pulling back the covers on the bed and had a stadium cup of water in his.....right hand. The next thing I knew......drip, splash. John's hand had slacked and he didn't even know he was pouring water into the bed. When I called his name and he turned, the water went on the rug and floor. He stood in it in his sock feet. I ran to the bathroom and grabbed a towel. I soaked up as much as I could, pulled the covers away, separated the wet sheets...blah, blah, blah. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I was mad at myself for being mad at him. He couldn't help it. But after everything was back to normal, I told him no more cups without lids!
We got out and walked a block to where the dogs live. They were out. Thank goodness I remembered the doggie treats. The lady who owns the dogs came out and told us their names are Bear and Brandy.
A different Hospice nurse came today. She is the first to measure his bulge and the area that keeps bleeding. I asked how he is to stand since one side is weak. He should put his weight on his left/good side when getting up and going up stairs.
John doesn't even try to use his right hand when eating any more and meals actually go better because he isn't struggling over which hand to use. When he's really tired, the right side of his body droops.
Two loads of laundry done. Cleaned all the ceiling fans. Feeling productive.
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