On Love, Language, and Loss

Liquidating Life was featured in a magazine article which asked the question, "How do we know what other people think, except through language?  How do we know them, if they cannot express what they think or feel?  Such are the predicaments that these writers address, as they explore how brain injury can affect a relationship, a life."

Four books were compared:  One Hundred Names for Love: A Memoir; To Love What Is:  A Marriage Transformed; Liquidating Life; Still Alice.

The author of the article, Joyce Meier, addresses results of a stroke, injuries sustained in a fall, a brain tumor, and Alzheimer's, and the affects on how communication changes and the frustrations and breakthroughs that come with it.

She also used her skills as a writing professor to critique the actual writing of the books, covering the styles of each author and how their word choices reflect their experiences.

It was an honor to be included in this group of authors who dared to show their walk through many tough days with their loved one.

"Fourth Genre:  Exploration in Nonfiction"
Volume 17, Number 2, Fall 2015;  pp. 189-196
Michigan State University Press

Liquidating Life: An Almost Daily Account of a Journey With Brain Cancer is available at amazon.com.

birthdays and anniversaries

To celebrate John's birthday each year, I usually get a cake pop from Starbucks.  This year, I was in Orlando visiting my sister and her family in February.  To commemorate his birthday, Sharon and I got a Mickey cake pop at Disney!  

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I have also started the tradition of getting a wind chime to mark the anniversary of John's passing.  Since I spent the weekend at Disney this February, I wanted one Disney-related.  Since I couldn't find one that hit me just right, I ordered the chime in the picture below.  It is "Cinderella blue," and has a butterfly (which played an important role in the live-action Cinderella movie).  

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....and of course, here is a picture of Cinderella and me!

John would have gotten a kick out of me meeting her.

Relay for Life

The school where I teach held its first Relay for Life to raise money for the American Cancer Society in May, 2016.

This is my luminary in memory of John and my friend Vickie.

Taylor County (FL) Friends of the Library

July 27, 2015
The Taylor County Friends of the Library were a gracious audience for my talk about "Liquidating Life", Voices Against Brain Cancer, and the publishing process.

My first assignment as the 

local ambassador 

for 

Voices Against Brain Cancer 

was this interview on WCTV (11/10/14):

http://www.wctv.tv/video?videoid=2973788

FREE ON KINDLE

Sept. 27-28, 2014
Liquidating Life is FREE on kindle

http://www.amazon.com/Liquidating-Life-Laura-G-Cogdill-ebook/dp/B00D0CJMJA/ref=pd_rhf_gw_p_img_1

silver medal winner

Liquidating Life was awarded a silver medal in the Health & Fitness category by the Florida Authors & Publishers Association, at their fall conference August 9, 2014.

It is a wonderful honor to be selected and acknowledged in this way.  

This is a picture of the display at the conference.

 

                                                                                     

more updates

July 29th, 2014 I found another sticky note John left for me.  It was stuck to the back cover of a music book on the shelf.  The book was yellow like the note, and I had flipped through the pages, stacked it with other books, put it in a box, then turned it over to make it stack better, and BAM, there was the note.

Not sure exactly what it says, but it doesn't matter.  It's been right at 2 years since I found one, and truly thought there probably weren't any more.  It was a happy day!

book availability

In addition to amazon.com and kindle, 

Liquidating Life is available at these locations

in Tallahassee, FL:

Downtown Marketplace
http://www.downtownmarket.com/
Park Avenue & US 27 (Monroe Street)
September through November


The Gathering Place
https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Gathering-Place-Tallahassee/513423962047599
3655 N. Monroe Street

My Favorite Books

http://www.mfbooks.us/mfb/

in Market Square

Sweet Patina

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Sweet-Patina/141681815885686

2030-5 Thomasville Road

book signing

Barnes & Noble Tallahassee

 local author book signing event

July 12, 2013

with my mother and "roadie"

Jonnie

Book Launch Party

The book launch party for "Liquidating Life" was held Friday, June 7, 2013 at Dorothy B. Oven Park in Tallahassee.  This is a picture of the main room.

 

In May, I ordered 100 books to sell and give away.  I have only about a dozen left and re-ordered more yesterday.  A few weeks ago, I spoke to a writing group about the publishing process with createspace.  A retirement facility is hosting a local author round-table event later in June and I've signed up to participate.  

"Liquidating Life" is on kindle now, but the pictures didn't transfer.  It is what it is and I've sold a half dozen.

  

Many people have emailed me their "John memories" and it has been great reading them.  The book launch got people thinking about him and I appreciate their memories.  

There are 5 reader reviews on amazon.  The book's ranking fluctuates from 55,000 to 800,000 depending on how much traffic/sales/comments/activity is on the amazon page.  

This is the link to the book review in the Tallahassee Democrat:

http://www.tallahassee.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2013305300059

It's a book!

They're here!  100 copies of "Liquidating Life", the book I put together from this blog and emails by John and me over the time of his illness.  In another entry, I'll tell some of the trek into publishing.  The book is available on amazon.com and also on kindle.

September 14, 2011 COM memorial service

The second week in September, my friend, Curt, who teaches at the FSU College of Medicine, invited me to the cadaver memorial service at the school auditorium.  "Does this mean John is up to bat this semester?" I asked.  There was a peaceful pause on the other end.  Curt told me they worked on John over the summer.  They needed one more body at FSU and he was next up specifically for that school.  John made it to college barely under the wire.  How like him.  "I would be honored to attend," I said.


If there were any lingering doubts as to whether body donation was the way to go or not, they melted away after my time with the students from the classes of 2014 and 2015.  I've never been more sure of anything in my life.


Curt said there would be a parking spot reserved for me.  I parked in the circle and went in the building, after taking pictures of it, and told them who I was.  They immediately recognized my name, whispered to each other that I was there for the service, and if I'd follow the gentleman, he'd direct me where to park.  I felt like a celebrity.  


I waited in the lobby until Curt met me.  It's a beautiful facility.  Students set up a reception table with cupcakes and punch, and scurried around taking care of last minute details.  Curt introduced me to the man over the department, who used to work at the Anatomical Board.  I was thanked profusely for our donation and especially for being at the memorial.  


As the attendees entered the auditorium, they were handed a black rubber bracelet that read, "In loving memory of our first patients."  The magnitude of the whole evening was dawning on me.  I wore my bracelet proudly.  The program cover said, "In honor of those who graciously donated their bodies to our medical education," and a soft, pale pink rose centered on it.  Inside the program was a list of cadaver numbers assigned by the state, along with the cause of death and the name of the student who would talk about their experience with their study group.  It was easy to tell which number was John's because of the listing of glioblastoma.  After each student spoke, they placed a white rose in a vase.  By the time all 22 roses were combined, it made a lovely arrangement.  The girl representing John, as well as all the students, talked about the bonding that went on as their group worked on the bodies.   Curt told me of his first study group and how he still keeps up with at least one of them.  "You never forget it."


In the director's talk, he referenced a family member of one of their cadavers being in the service, and again, his thanks were overflowing.  It was pretty obvious who the family member was, as most in attendance were student and teachers.


When the service ended, Curt took me on a tour of the building.  It was amazing, especially to me, a medical-phobic.  By the time we made it back to the reception, most of the group had cleared out.  He introduced me to a couple of the students and we chatted about the specialties they want to pursue.  When they found out I was the family member representing one of the bodies, the thanks poured again.  Each spoke of the importance of this first semester of anatomy and the need for that "first patient" to work on.  I was impressed and came away confident in the future of medicine.


There was a group of four girls hanging back, watching, hesitant to approach.  Curt called  them over and amidst the introductions, said my husband was one of the bodies they worked on.  


"He had the THING on the side of his head," I told them.  They all nodded.  I told them a quick version of John's illness and why the tumor grew out like it did.  I urged them with questions, and their answers told me what I wondered.  One of the girls never found her voice in our conversation.  She was overcome with emotion to meet someone who made such a precious donation to their education, and teared up along with me.


When John's body arrived and they saw the tumor on his head, they had all the students look at it.  This is exactly what I wanted to happen.  I asked if any of them were interested in neuro, and they told me a couple of the second-year students were.  They worked on the back of the bodies, then extremities and abdomen.  One of the girls in the group I was talking to did John's abdomen.  The study groups rotated around to different bodies as they learn different parts of the anatomy.  


"But what about his head?" I kept asking.  They looked at each other and whispered, and looked to Curt.  He must have given the okay because one said they kept the brains and would be learning about them this semester.  I was thrilled and thanked them for telling me.  I'm sure my enthusiasm shocked them, but this is why we wanted to donate John's body; research, research, research that may keep someone else from dying from GBM one day.


The girls and I took pictures in front of the vase of roses and I adopted them in my heart.  I did quick mental calculations.  If they received John's body in June and it was returned in August, surely it wouldn't be but a few months at most before his ashes were returned to me.  Or do they wait for the remains of his brain from this semester?  


Seeing the gratitude of the students and teachers and the need for body donation in their education, I tell anyone considering this avenue to do it.  It is a lasting, far reaching gift.  I know it's rare for a family member to attend a "first patient" memorial service.  I count it an honor, and will remember it as one of the most amazing events in my life.  


http://www.med.ufl.edu/anatbd/

August, 2011 hair today, gone tomorrow

Three and a half years ago, I cut my hair and donated it to Locks of Love in memory of my bestest friend, Vickie, who died of lung cancer.  When we realized how sick John was and he shaved his head for surgeries, I decided to grow and donate my hair again.  I waited until after my trip west because I knew we'd be hiking and I wanted to be able to put it up.  My sister was all too happy to chop-chop the length and ship it off to be made into a wig for someone going through chemo or in need of the hair I could give.

It was another emotional, meaningful connection to John.  Everyone in the shop knew why I was there and were encouraging and supportive of my new look.  My plan is to grow and donate it again in a couple of years.  There are stipulations for donating hair.  If you are interested, check with your hair care professional.
http://www.locksoflove.org/donate.html

Brain Tumor Awareness

http://www.braintumor.org/get-involved/advocacy-public-policy/BTAM.html

May is Brain Tumor Awareness Month
Follow the link for more information.

Thanks

sizzling summer

The school year ended quietly.  Took my time putting things away to make the beginning of next year easier.  The inside of our buildings are being painted, which meant everything had to be away from and off the walls.
My teaching buddy, Sarah, might not be there next year, and I will be devastated if she's not.


Visited a probate lawyer to help with closing out John's accounts. He says things should be decided and wrapped up before summer is over.


Last Saturday, I invited friends to shop Havana and have lunch.  Ronnie, who works at the Music Mission Kiev Orlando office, came up to shop with us.  She said the group going over in Sept/Oct is full but she'd make a place for me if I want to go.  Mama will need lots of convincing........
Ended up with 11 ladies doing Havana!


After a garage sale this weekend, I'll start looking for a cat.


Today, Sharon and I did downtown Tallahassee.  We toured the Governor's Mansion, the Italian Baroque artwork at The Brogan, the Union Bank, and had lunch at Jasmine.
For years, I've bugged the curator at the mansion to let me be a docent. In passing today, she mentioned that NASCAR drivers are attending a reception there in June.  Of course I begged to be a docent for the day.  She did me one better than that.  I have a new part time job!  Sharon and I are now on the list as 'wait staff' for special events; private dinners [which will come later], receptions, and ..... something else [State dinners?].
They have to run us through the secret service background check first.  We interviewed with the resident chef.  After the NASCAR event, there isn't anything particular planned until session.  Etiquette will be huge, but they will teach us.
wowie wow wow


Walked at the park tonight.  I think it's the first time without John.  Maybe I went once before; can't remember.  Another 'first' tackled.  

in his own words.....and spelling

While going through John's facebook messages, I found this reply to a friend.  It so beautifully sums up his frame of mind when he found out he had a brain tumor.  I'll leave the spelling as he typed it because it shows the effects of the two seizures he had about a month before.  It was dated Oct. 28, 2009.  


If I was independently wealth I could just live out the last 4 years relaxed until I died. However, I am not capable. The doctors have been real honest and I really appreciate it. They told me the tumor was what they expected and at the most optimistically I have is 3-4 years if the tumor response. The slim possibility is past 5 years. I really am glad to have time to plan so I am getting things ready now so those close to me want have so much to do.

It could be a lot worst. There are kids up there who have not really expected high school. I have already done all that. The greatest thing about my situation dieing is my world view. I have taken the last 7 years and examined what I have been taught and found it to be true. Christianity is the only philosophy which makes more since compared against all the other positions. I am following a logical and rational position which Jesus the man/God taught was rational. If this would have happened to me 10 years ago I would have been on my knees crying to go to heal me thinking I could convince Him to do it. Now I am content. With the teaching past down by the inspiration through the Apostles (12) that allows me to be content I will not die. My person will never stop existing. When I leave temporarily my physical body I am promised to return not only to my body but with the Christ in His second advent.

It has been a great last 50 years because I fond God is knowable and He revealed Himself rational.

hidden messages

For several months, John has hidden love notes to me all over the house.  I found a couple of them months ago but put them back to "find" another time.  Just found a new one in the basket by my bed, which is filled with pens, note pads, a Bible, lotion, flashlight....all those handy bedside items.  In it, John had hidden a sugar packet from Circle K and on it he wrote
"sugar xoxo  John". 
how sweet

He wrote a few notes even when he could hardly spell or write.  He showed some of them to my sister.  She told me not to get rid of anything, even books, without going through them first.  He told me he was glad he made the notes as far back as he did because he could write then. 

walker, shuffle, march

Yesterday.  Better day.  John got around by himself quite well and stayed awake most of the day.  The nurse dropped off a shower head and we gave it a try.  John likes it.  We didn't hose down the bathroom too badly.  I've noticed a weird action.  When I bathe John on the left side, his right hand mimics my actions, not quite touching my hand.  It's as tho his brain knows what that hand should be doing and does it on auto-pilot.  Haven't mentioned it to him.  He doesn't realize he's doing it.  Same thing when I dry him off.  And when his right hand holds something, he doesn't let go.  He thinks he does but usually I have to pry the towel, my hand, hat from him.

the chinese shuffle
That's what I call the way John walks when he's tired.  Short, quick steps.  His right foot can't go far, so the left one doesn't go far.  I remind him to slow down.  He'll stop, think about what he's doing, and go back to "normal."  He also marched with his right leg several times and the exaggeration of the movement kept him from dragging it.  But again, he doesn't remember to do it often.

Rough night
John woke up around 12:30 with an awful headache.  He took 2 p.m.'s, which is odd because he usually fights taking something.  He moaned for about 20 minutes until the pills kicked in.  He slept but restlessly.  Jumped, pushed, talked in his sleep. 
This morning we had b'fast and I headed to the bath.  I told him "do not get off the couch while I'm in there."  Before I got out, I could hear him snoring.  Slept about an hour and a half.  Didn't remember falling asleep.  He asked how long he slept, what time was it, but couldn't understand.  I ended up telling him Andy Griffith was over, Family Feud was over, and now it's Let's Make a Deal.  got that

He likes using the bathroom at the other end of the house, of course.  This means we go thru the living room, piano room, kitchen, dining room.  The sink is in front of the toilet and he can pull himself up with it.  He actually used the walker with me beside him after he woke up and ate again.  He kept straddling the right leg of the walker because he tends to lean that way.  We made it to the dining room and he started leaning over.  almost timber
He sat in a chair for a minute then finished the 4 steps to the bathroom.  Took the walker back to the couch.  much smoother

Now he's asleep in bed.  I watched the redwing black birds run the other birds from the feeders.  It's been an active bird morning.

John's mom called yesterday and the doctors have given his dad 4 months.  I don't think he'll make it that long.  He's going every day this week for the shot that boosts his blood.  No transfusions since the hospital.  He's very weak and sleeps most of the time.  John's brother, Tim, is planning to come to Daytona in about a month for 4 days.  Might make it up here but probably not.  This is all if his boss lets him.

race to the end for those two
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Two of three meals in bed today.  Several hours sleeping.  Sat on the couch twice.  Wore him out.  Used the walker all day and is getting better at it.  Need to pull out the Hospice book.  We may be on the grid now.    ugh

Remembering Vickie.  4 years gone
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Will this post ever end???
This afternoon, Betsy from school came by with a basket of sunshine filled with chocolates and a mini rose bush.  There were several cards from friends at school.  As we talked, the subject of John falling came up.  I told her about the big crash/bang, and she said if he ever went down and I couldn't get him up to call her and she and her husband would come. [they live nearby]
10:15 p.m.'ish:  John needs to use the bathroom and chooses the closest one.  He also chose to use the walker to get there, but when he lets go of it to get to the toilet, he gets extremely wobbly.  Tonight, he just slid right down the wall onto the toilet [pants on].  When he tried to get up, he went down to the floor instead.  We tried everything to get him up.  He started scooting and rolling himself back to the bedroom and I thought, 'well this is getting him to the room but then what??'.  I couldn't get him to rest and try later so I called Betsy.  She was "disoriented" as she put it later, but true to promise, she and her husband came on over.  By then it was 10:30.  Bob lifted John right up and got him in bed.  Besides it being late, it was raining again.  They were gracious and said call if I needed help again.  I am so very blessed.

marker day

There will be days when I look back on it all, where I will see turns and changes.  Today will be one of those days.  It started out with John a little weak.  He ate, sat on the couch, then said he needed to go back to bed.  Not sure if he slept, but must have dozed.  My teacher friend, Betsy, called and wanted to drop by soup she made.  We had a good visit.  It was interesting to hear what was going on at school, but more in an observer roll, and leave it at the table when we got up.  Not my problem.  She did have a bit of excellent news, tho.  Our school will be "smart" beginning next year, and phased in over a few years.  Wireless, projected, sound, you name it. 

John wanted me in the room with him.  His head hurt.  I pulled in Sharon's rocking chair from when Marshall was born, a bowl of soup, a book, the phone, and the radio with earbuds, and hunkered down.  I'm learning not to ask him if he wants something or needs anything.  I tell him I'm going to do it or get it.  As with his lunch, when I asked if he wanted to eat, with stomach growling he said no.  I couldn't take it any more and told him I was going to fix him a bowl of soup.  He ate it with several bites of french bread. 

I started reading 2 Corinthians to him.  He enjoys me reading the Bible to him, and I love doing it....for him and for me.  Amazing how many scriptures deal with death, comfort, hope.

I called the Hospice nurse and social worker and asked them not to come today.  John didn't feel like being observed, talked to, or measured.  I told the nurse I think we're ready for a walker.  She said she'd order us one thru the company they use.  Didn't know when it would be delivered.  By then, John was asleep again.  Not much later, I heard a vehicle out front, and there was his walker.  The guy showed me how to work it and suggested I put tennis balls on the legs since we have hard wood floors.  As expected, John said he wouldn't need the walker.

While he was in the bathroom, the preacher from Havana came by.  He and I were in the living room when John tried to get up from the toilet.  He went to his knees.  I called from the hall but he told me to go away, he'd be ok.  I stood there for a while and could hear him trying to get up, bumping the cabinet, wearing himself out.  He wouldn't let me come in and help.  I went back to the living room when I heard him open the door.  John went back to bed, giving his apologies to the preacher.  I told the preacher, "This is where we are right now.  New today, a marker day." 

The preacher had excellent advise for me.  It was probably a good thing John went back to bed so I could be reminded of things I'm learning the hard way.  I told the preacher I sometimes feel guilty for having a friend over or going to town, because John can't go or always enjoy a visit.  He said to give myself permission to take time for me.  If I'm not fed, rested, or well, I can't take care of John.  Take five or ten minutes to pull weeds in the yard or bake something; whatever is therapy for me.  Grab a neighbor walking by and ask them to sit with John for a few minutes while I run to the dollar store or take a walk around the block.  He kept using the word 'caretaker.'  I have always hated that word.  Actually wrote an essay about how I hate that word!  But I am a caretaker.  It was a hard day for me when I realized that.  My friend, Teresa, handed me a card with a caretaker's prayer on it.  I wondered why she was giving it to me because I wasn't a caretaker.  [this was after John's first surgery]  And standing in the hall at church, I realized I was.  The dreaded word meant for old people.  Not me.

At dinner, John and I ate in the living room on the couch.  We watched only a few minutes of tv and he was ready for bed.  His head hurt terribly.  He took 2 p.m.'s and finally fell asleep.  While we were laying there, I reminded him of things we'd done together over the years, like driving to J'ville to buy books and cd's at the discount Christian book store, and eating lunch at the chuckwagon place.  Hiking lots of trails around here; walking the dry lakebed of Cascade Lake, then canoeing it when it filled up again.  Visiting his oldest niece and nephew when they lived here.  John would smile and said he remembered.

He did use the walker to get out of bed twice.  It gives him something to lean on.  The bathroom doorway isn't wide enough to fit the walker thru, dang it.  That's where we really need it most.  I turned it sideways and he used it to get off the toilet.  Not a perfect system but he saw how it helped him.  I took up the rug in the hall, and one in the bathroom.  Hopefully he'll see the support it gives.  I'm not going to give him a choice about using it.  We're there.  Another step down the slippery slope of liquidating life.