snippets

John was creative with graphics and layouts, composing ads, and even took a couple of graphic design classes. 

Yesterday, I rifled through four years of John's old business papers to burn.  I found a couple of pictures he had taken of carpet cleaning products, as though he were working up an ad for them.  He had been a member of the Capital City Apartment Association, which he told me about, to get his foot in the door with managers and others in that realm.  Nothing shocking or surprising in the boxes.  I saved an old Valentine his mom made for him in the early 1990's.  
He couldn't spell back then either.

I finally decided what to do with all these sticky notes John left me.  I'm going to put them in an album and label them with when and where I find it.  Will be fun to look back on one day.  I'm afraid if I leave them where I find them, I'll forget where they are and throw some out or have to relook for them later.

Still writing thank you notes. 
I can tell I'm working in the yard a lot because my nails are suffering.
We're having a beautiful spring.  It's dry and yellow-green from pollen, but as soon as we get a good rain, the grass will pop out and the mowing will begin.  ugh

One week until heading back to school.  
Sleeping pretty good at night.  Still going to grief counseling. 
Saw "Unknown" with Liam Neeson last night.  great twists and action

time change

My husband was brilliantly creative.  The time changed Saturday night, and when I took the kitchen clock off the wall to turn the hands forward, guess what I found stuck to the back of the clock.
A sticky note from John with the Bible verse that says, "Hear O, Israel, the Lord thy God is one." 

I had a good visit with John's parents in Daytona Saturday.  Spring breakers and bike week had the traffic heavy in both directions.  Mr. John looks like himself, a little pale, tired, but holding his own.  His red, white, hemoglobin, platelets are all about half what they should be.  Gloria fixed lunch for us.  They found John's birth certificate and his sixth grade graduation certificate, but forgot to give them to me.  Gloria said she'd mail it.  I took them the obituary, the programs, thank you notes, a copy of the pages from the guestbook, and I let them look at the book of condolences from the Democrat I had made.

The soundman from the church called to let me know his computer lost all video files before he could make a copy of John's memorial service.  He does have an audio of it.  I didn't know what to say.  What can you say?  I'm going to pick up a copy of the audio Wednesday while I'm in town.  

Two weeks and counting until work.
Still going to grief counseling.
Working in the yard a lot.  good therapy

thankful

I Peter 3:12 quotes Psalm 34:15:  "The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their prayers;"

This reminds me of God's protection through John's illness.  His being able to find my number in his phone even when he wasn't aware of what he was doing. When he'd stumble along in the house or even fall: the left side of his head never hit anything.  Getting him in and out of the tub, and I'm not that strong. Working long days, determined to uphold promises made to customers.   

How many thousand prayers did I, and others, offer up for John's protection as he moved about in constant decline?  The Lord's eyes really are on those who belong to Him.   Thank you, Lord.

lost and found

A couple of years ago, on my last trip to Kiev, I picked up John a pair of hand-knitted wool socks.  He liked wearing them in the winter because they were so warm, especially since he'd been sick.  This winter, I sewed a fleece sole to each of them because a couple of small holes were beginning.  When John's parents visited us in December, the socks disappeared.  I was so afraid they had accidentally carried them to Daytona, then thrown them out not knowing how special they were.

John and I searched for those socks, high and low, under and behind furniture, between cushions.  A couple of days after John died, I glanced up into his cubby in the top of our closet, and there the socks sat.  Right on top of everything.  In plain sight. 

If John found them, it would have had to be while he was still mobile, which would have been at least a week before he died, and you'd think I would've seen the socks in the closet I use every day.  Or that he would have told me where he found them.

To me, this is a wonderful mystery I will ask him to explain one day.  If you know the answer to the mystery, don't tell me.  They are warm.

drugs

My "procedure" yesterday went well.  Apparently I was a constant source of entertainment for my sister and mother. 

Mama and I went to the wash house this morning to get blankets and quilts ready to put away until next fall.  This meant I needed to clean out a closet that holds blankets, my scarves and gloves, and our jackets.  I keep one of John's work shirts in that closet that I wore when I worked with him.  I'm learning to check all pockets in any piece of his clothing before washing or giving it away.  In the pocket of my work shirt, he left a note to me.  A little sticky note this time.  "love ya"
I also found two melted Jolly Ranchers.  He got them at Dr. Chemo's office one of the last times we went.  And I found $5 in another jacket. 

Got a few more thank you cards written while we were at the wash house this morning.  Every time I do a few, I think of someone else to thank.  Not complaining.  Just amazed.

Emailed my principals, bookkeeper, secretary, and sub to let them know I'm planning to come back the week after spring break.  March 28.  Also told them I will need days off when Mr. John passes.  The bookkeeper already granted me the 3 days the county gives for bereavement, so I have 3 more leave days than I would have had. 

This time off is going really fast now.  But it will soon be summer.

whelmed

After Marshall's game yesterday, he came home with me and we worked in the yard.  Got a lot done.  Neither of us had seen 'Shrek the Final Chapter' so we redboxed it.  We agreed it was good, but the second Shrek was the best.

I dropped him at church this morning, then went to Wildwood.  I was quite late and went to the balcony.  Marty and I met up after the service and ate at Cracker Barrel.  It was overwhelming  to be in a crowd at church.  Not many people talked to me, so it wasn't interactions that exhausted me.  It was the amount of people.  Lunch wasn't as bad because we sat in one place, I guess. 

This afternoon I cleaned out the bathroom.  I threw out partially used shampoo samples, old razors; etc.  Set up three boxes:  Lighthouse Children's Home donation, garage sale, Sharon.
I think I'll try to do the bedroom next, later in the week, although it has John's clothes, so I'll see.  Cleaning the bathroom was overwhelming.  This is just weird.

Talked to my "old lady friend" Margaret and her son, and she isn't doing well.  Broken, replaced hip, broken back/discs, can't see well, can't walk.  She is ready to go, can't do anything.  Reminds me of John.  She'll probably join him soon.

Planning to go to Daytona with Georgena and Dana Saturday for the day.  Leave early, get home late.  Gloria told Georgena she'd like me to stay for a few days but I'm not up to it.  Not even close. 

Biopsy of my cervix Tuesday.  twilight
always something, huh

plodding on

Got a job offer at Prudential yesterday.  I met with my financial guys, who I've worked with for several years, who know my 'financial' story.  They told me about a meeting with young business women the night before, advising them on investing early and consistently.  I said if they ever needed a live testimonial, let me know because I'm passionate about 'what not to do.'  That's when he said he'd like to hire me to talk to women especially, and would I like to see the desk I would have if I took the job.  Part time while I continued teaching; etc.
food for thought

My first grief counseling session came next.  What is it that as soon as she starts talking, I melt?  In a puddle?  But in a very good, needed way.  There are things I'm already doing well.  I need to stay open to the idea that if I go back to school and then decide I can't finish, it's ok.  She said I'm not ready for group counseling because at group, you hear others' stories and problems, and right now, I need to focus on mine.  She's right.  When people I don't know very well start in on their experiences, I glaze over. 
The reason I slept SO well the first week or so was from exhaustion, but now the major exhaustion is over and my body still thinks it needs to wake up every hour or so to give medicine, which is why I wake up a lot in the night.  This, too, shall pass.  I do need to get on a sleep pattern close to what I have when I work.  As it is now, I can hardly stay up until 11 p.m. because of not getting good sleep the night before.  When I try to nap during the day, I usually can't.  I rest but not sleep.
It's good I blog at night to empty my mind before sleeping.
While I'm out of school, I'm going to counseling every week.  It was very good.

Georgena and Dana want to go to Daytona next weekend. 

Worked in the yard three days this week and it felt wonderful.  The bradford pears, camilias, fuscia, and spirea are blooming spectacularly.