Saturday, January 22, 2011

great guys

What a random day.  John got off to a very slow start.  At almost lunch time, I decided to get a shower.  Of course, when I turned on the water, the phone rang.  It was my friend, Joe Ann.  We hadn't talked in a while so I turned the water off.  Knew it could be a long conversation.  About the time Joe Ann and I finished, John's friend, Mike, called to see about coming over.  Back to the bathroom to put away everything for my shower and try again later.  We had a great visit with Mike.  The guys talked about God.  I started fixing lunch but Mike left. Not a commentary on my cooking.  He had been here about 2 hours. 

Not long after, Marvin called to find out if he could come over.  [He and his son are the ones who videoed John talking about God.  We went to high school with him.]
In the meantime, another high school friend called to say one of our classmate's house burned and he was taking up a collection for her to spend another week at a hotel.  The Red Cross would cover one more night, but then she was on her own; broke, going thru a divorce.  I met him at the Post Office where John's box is to donate toward the cause.  He hadn't collected much.  Wish I could've done more. 

Tim's mother-in-law called wanting to come over tomorrow.  I told John he's a celebrity with all these people wanting to see him.  He just smiled.

Got back to the house and Marvin was already there.  He and I had great conversation about God and the Bible.  John interjected some but mostly listened. 

We went thru his mail at 9:30 p.m. because he was wide awake and we hadn't had time to do it before.  He was more 'with it' as the afternoon went on. 

The right side of his face is more droopy and expresses less.  Sometimes only the left side of his face smiles. 

**A Little About Me**
Going to the Dr Monday to get the results of a colposcopy, and cervical polyp removal.   Not life-threatening, but he has a plan of action.  Second funky test result in 3 months.  Never had a problem before.
Osteoporosis is worse/spreading/still there....not sure which because a comparison to 2 years ago wasn't made.  My Primary is letting my endocrinologist handle it.  He thinks it's tied in to my thyroid problems.  Loaded up on almonds, chondroitant chews, fresh spinach, calcium & D, chondroit/glucos. tablets, cheese, milk.  Step machine, weights.
Growing older is not for wimps.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

not much new

John's friend, Bob, brought Chinese for lunch!  He is going to bring another friend next week and I'm going to cook for them.  As John told him, "This is her life," meaning I enjoy cooking for people. 

Chilly overcast day.  I ordered the dvd Jane Eyre [Joan Fontaine & Orson Wells] and it arrived today.  John sat thru the whole movie with me.  Then he went to bed!  at 7:30.  He'll be up at midnight wide away.  Hope it's not 'one of those nights.'

He tried sleeping on the couch last night to keep his head propped up but after he slept for an hour, woke up and saw me still watching tv, he went to bed and  slept well.   

Running errands tomorrow. 

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

pj day

At 2:00 I switched my pajama bottoms for sweat pants and pulled a sweat shirt over the pj top to go to the mail box.  Never did get dressed today.  Mama came by for a few minutes.  Sat on the couch with John most of the day.  I asked him if, when he gets to heaven, will he ask God why he got sick, what caused the tumor, or anything like that.  He said he hadn't thought about it but probably not.  It won't matter then and he only wants to see God and talk about him.  But he would think about my question. 

The orioles are here.  Swarming the neighborhood and stripping trees of berries and seeds.  This morning, we watched them and a woodpecker, red bird, mocking bird. 

John's father is in the hopital in Daytona.  He isn't making enough white blood cells.  They are running tons of tests and he'll be in until the figure it out and gets things under control.

Tomorrow, another of John's friends is to visit us.  Another guy. 

dropsy turvy tuesday

wow  I'm finding that if I don't write each night, I forget what I wanted to say.  Yesterday, Tuesday, it seemed like all I did was clean up spills.  John knocked over a soda on the coffee table and it ran down onto the rug and magazine, photos, books.  He did a good job getting most of it up and didn't ask for help.  Was able to save everything.

Later in the evening, John was pulling back the covers on the bed and had a stadium cup of water in his.....right hand.  The next thing I knew......drip, splash.  John's hand had slacked and he didn't even know he was pouring water into the bed.  When I called his name and he turned, the water went on the rug and floor.  He stood in it in his sock feet.  I ran to the bathroom and grabbed a towel.  I soaked up as much as I could, pulled the covers away, separated the wet sheets...blah, blah, blah.  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  I was mad at myself for being mad at him.  He couldn't help it.  But after everything was back to normal, I told him no more cups without lids!

We got out and walked a block to where the dogs live.  They were out.  Thank goodness I remembered the doggie treats.  The lady who owns the dogs came out and told us their names are Bear and Brandy. 

A different Hospice nurse came today.  She is the first to measure his bulge and the area that keeps bleeding.  I asked how he is to stand since one side is weak.  He should put his weight on his left/good side when getting up and going up stairs.

John doesn't even try to use his right hand when eating any more and meals actually go better because he isn't struggling over which hand to use.  When he's really tired, the right side of his body droops. 

Two loads of laundry done.  Cleaned all the ceiling fans.  Feeling productive. 

Monday, January 17, 2011

the games of life

What do you get when you cross charades with pictionary, mapquest, what's my line, and the internet???  Two hours with John, trying to figure out the name of a store.  The clues were:  internet; national store but only one site locally; we've been there a thousand times: he'd go to one side and I'd go to my pictures;  near Governor's Square; had other small stores next to it.  I finally called Sharon and gave her the clues.  At one point, John kept saying Tennessee Street, but Sharon and I figured that was probably not right.  I was pulling up store logos online to eliminate things on the parkway or either mall.  We eliminated all food-related places, Barnes & Noble, K-Mart, the party store, Tallahassee Mall.  Sharon called back about half an hour later with Best Buy.  BINGO!!!!!!!!!!!  ding, ding, ding.  We have a winner!!!  John recognized the name when I said it.  Sharon was cracking up on the other end...."Thank you very much!" he said.  I pulled up their website and he confirmed BEST BUY was the store.  And all the clues fit perfectly.  Of course......
He wants me to get a new computer and wanted us to look at them online.  He wanted to enjoy me looking for one.  At Best Buy, he would always look at cameras and computers and I would go find a dvd to buy [why he said I went to my pictures].

The beginning of our day hadn't started quite so well.  John's incision had bled in the night; that one darn spot that bled a couple of days ago.  He wanted me to call the Hospice nurse, so I knew he was concerned.  I left a msg for her, then canceled my dentist appt for today, and called Mama to not come sit with John for my appt.   We changed his bandage after b'fast and it hadn't bled anymore and didn't even when I took the bandage off.  The nurse told he to use 2 bandages or a bandage with gauze on the outside, along with the headband he uses to hold it all on. 

While I talked to the nurse, he called his friend, Dave, in Atlanta.  He is a fellow carpet cleaner and longtime friend.  Dave and his wife are coming here in early March [John said if he's already gone, to come see me], and to Glacier this summer!  Yet another couple I've influenced into going there.  Maybe I can be there when they are.   Talking with Dave energized John.  He had a great morning once he ate and took his regular meds.  We didn't get up until around 9, which is too late for him.  Didn't realize the time; didn't wake up early enough.

Sharon and Marshall came by for a quick visit.  Made the boy chocolate chip cookies and then they were off to baseball tryouts.  He made a Babe Ruth team!!  Don't know which one yet.  Would be funny if it were the Yankees.  Not sure if BR uses major league team names or not. 

After supper, John laid down, slept a bit, then woke up restless.  He tried to tell me something he said he's told me twice before.  Couldn't figure out if it was about the PO Box, medicine, insurance, or Hospice.  He assured me it wasn't me, it's his lack of communication that frustrates him.  He got up and walked around the house some then went to sleep.  Before we ate, he prayed.  He thanked God for all he's done for us, thanked him that we can know him, and asked God to look out for me.  We both lost it.   John is incredibly thoughtful and sweet. 

Found the song to put to my video of pictures of us:  "Mrs. Darcy" from 'Pride and Prejudice".  This summer, John watched the movie with me, [or I should say suffered thru it with me...not a guy flick],  and I wasn't really sure how much he followed it.  At the end when Mr. Darcy asks what he should call Lizzie and she says Mrs. Darcy only when he's deliriously happy,  John kissed me and said, "Mrs. Cogdill.  Mrs. Cogdill."  He totally 'got' that part!  The song doesn't really fit a guy video, but it's perfect to me. 

Sunday, January 16, 2011


What is it....5 steps you go thru when someone dies?
Guess the denial has been til now.  Not so much actual
denial but maybe not realization.  John has been so
'normal' until now.  Now I'm getting angry.  Why does
this have to happen?  to him?  It's not fair.  I don't
want him to go.  Why now? 

I hope I get thru this stage quickly because I don't
like it.  Nor do I want to spend energy being mad. 

trending down

Saturday was a much better day after all the trauma Friday.  John has less ability with his right side, and lays his hand in his plate and doesn't even know it.  He has mentioned for a while now that he can't "hear" me on that side, and I take it to mean he doesn't have much feeling there.  He almost fell over a couple of times while walking, too.

Today, it's been about the same.  He doesn't understand why he can't go on and die since he "can't do anything."  He lays around more out of boredom, listens to his Bible on cd, and watches tv some. 
Late this afternoon, a couple from church brought over homemade pork loin bbq.  They are the same couple who brought tons of goodies at Christmas.

This is what we need from Hospice:  someone to teach John how to get up from sitting since his side is weak; how to use utensils with his left hand, or strategies with other types of utensils/bowls/plates; how to get up if he falls.  I also need to know these things, and didn't realize how quickly we'd need this info.  I will have to call the nurse and see if they have pt services.  You don't know that you need to ask for these things until you're flailing in the thick of it.

Dentist appointment tomorrow.  Mama is coming to stay with John.  When I told him the other day about my appt, he said he figured Mama would come.
It's also MLK,Jr holiday tomorrow.  The local parade goes right in front of our house.  Maybe I'll be able to get John to watch it out the window if it's too cool to sit out.  I usually sit on the front porch and watch.

John has always weighed himself at Publix and when this whole ordeal began, he weighed about 235.  At the doctor in October, 209; Friday 201.  He still has his little stomach pooch, but his legs are thinner than I've ever seen.  He looks great on the whole.

There have been a few moments lately when shear panic have hit me:  very soon, John won't be here anymore.  It's surreal.  very surreal
I don't like it at all.  Told him again. 
The Golden Globes are on tonight and I told him several days ago I wanted to see them.  My carnal indulgence.  John had a chill about 15 minutes before the program was to start.  He drank water with his medication and it made him cold.  I laid in the bed with him while he warmed up, and he told me not to forget my program.  I wanted to stay in bed with him but he said I needed things to do, it was ok.  It was like he was saying your life is going on, you have things to do.  Don't stop them for me.  It was sweet.

We've taken pictures of the incision area all along the way.  In the picture around early November, the bulge is NOTHING compared to today.  We thought it was big then!  The pictures are not for the faint of heart, especially the latest ones.  I went back over the emails I've sent, too, and forgot tiny details in them.  Glad I saved them but I'm sure I missed some. 

Months ago, John made his own dvd "movie" for the memorial service.  We've made so many more pictures since then, I made my own yesterday.  Now to find the right song......................