Saturday, December 11, 2010


Reminds me of stuppeeditey.  John's made-up words. 
Today was a weird day.  Mama and I went shopping this morning, and when we got home, John was lathargic and feeble acting.  We walked uptown, came home and he rested.  Then we went to Burger King.  While we were there, he asked me what gifts I remembered him giving me over the years.  Talk about putting a girl in the hot seat.  But he gives great gifts, and Sharon and I had just had this conversation the other day, so I reminded him of the footie/camo pajamas, turquoise bracelet, Yankee jersey.  He remembered a couple of necklaces, and th perfume 'he' got from Victoria's Secret.....Sharon really picked up the items because he won't set foot in that store.  He laughs when he talks about it.  He didn't want any help with the bracelet and was proud of what he got.  And it WAS an impressive gift.  We talked about a few other things, and places we'd been.  I wanted to come home and look thru pictures for more memories, so we did.

Later, John perked up.  He said his head had been hurting earlier and he knew he was acting and feeling weird.  We watched Andy Griffith at 7:00.  Had to mute the sound because John kept 'hearing' them talk about catastrophes.  He was rational enough to know they weren't but asked me just to make sure. 

His friend Dave called from Atlanta, and John told him bye and how much he has enjoyed knowing him.  It was bittersweet.  Quite a few of his friends have called lately and it's meant a lot to John.  Don't think he knows I've emailed many of them with the latest update.  John's determined to be 'gone' by the new year, and after watching him today, when he gives up, it will be over. 

I'm craving noise.  John likes it quiet, and as long as we've been married, he can't handle extraneous sounds like background radio/tv/movies.  I like something quietly going in the background usually, but can do silent also.  But lately, there is nothing in the background so my head is empty.  [haha  bad choice of wording]

Thursday, December 9, 2010

curiouser and curiouser

It just gets more curiouser and curiouser.  The bulge under the incision
on John's head is the tumor protruding.  They took out the area of skull
where they did surgery, so instead of growing "in" the tumor is growing
"out" and pressing against the skin.
He isn't in pain unless you press the skin in that area. [it looks like half
a walnut under the skin]  His prognosis hasn't changed....6 months,
and this weird growing pattern has actually bought him a little more
time since it's not totally inside his brain wreaking havoc.
There will be no more treatments [chemo, radiation; etc] so it's just a
waiting game now.  He went for an hour and a half walk when we got
home today, ate, went to bed.  Can't imagine what it's like to be him
right now.  Although he's almost excited to meet God face to face and
be able to talk and read and teach in heaven.  Can't add anything to that.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

chilly willy wednesday

Ready for bed so this will be short.  John had a ct scan done today of the bulge under the incision.  We'll go tomorrow to get the results. 
tumor vs. infection

Dr. chemo doubled the steroid Monday, and today, John has been wound up, and this evening, hearing bombs.  Not sure if he's hearing actual explosions or the word 'bomb' in conversations.  He watched the news with his parents, then when a talk show came on, he thought they were still talking about the same things on the news; internet, bombs, bombs.  everything was bombs
When he realized we weren't being bombed, he calmed down some.  He went to the bedroom and laid down until his parents went to bed, then came to the living room where I am.  Kept the tv muted and now he's napping.

A limb/bush fell on the utility light out back and broke the shade/cover for it.  The town guys came today and replaced it and cut back the limbs.  Too bad Daddy didn't get to do it with his handy dandy chainsaw on a stick.

Will be going to town hall to reserve cemetary plots next week. 

Snuck around this afternoon and picked up a couple of Christmas gifts.  Speaking of Christmas, or chicken, as it's known in my classroom......the day the calendar flipped to December, my kids went nuts.  All they knew about December was Christmas, so we made a rule.  No one could say the C word.  Then they suddenly figured out Christmas doesn't start with c-, but c-h.  So now they can spell....
Since the beginning of school, some of them will randomly blurt out 'chicken' and the rest will snicker [still haven't figured that one out yet].
When I say "C-h"-something or other, meaning Christmas, they say "chicken day".  Never a dull moment in camp cogdill.  Yesterday I told them I was the only one who could say Christmas because I was reading stories with that word.  They still say chicken and laugh; I say Christmas.  Next week I'll let them start saying Christmas, too.
I'm sure the kids have told their parents they aren't allowed to say Christmas, and the parents think their child isn't allowed to say the word 'Christmas' because it isn't PC.  Well, all I have to say to that is....

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

It's been a fun, exhausting, emotional, busy week with Tim and Jennifer and the kids here, along with John's parents.  Last night, we had a delicious steak dinner at Jennifer's mom's, and reality
finally hit me in the face when it came time to go home.  Tim's crew was leaving for Idaho the next morning, and I realized Tim will probably never see John again. 
The realization dangled around as we took family pictures and silently overtook us all when we started giving good-bye hugs.
Jennifer's mom, Georgena, had her back to us doing dishes when we came in to tell her thank you again and give Jennifer her hugs.  When Georgena turned around, her eyes were filled with huge tears.  That's when we all lost it.  John, of course, was the strong one.  He laughed it off saying we were girlie girls or something like that.
Tim met us at the car and couldn't talk.  They shared "I love you's" and hugs.  A couple of people stood on the porch and watched from a safe distance. 
It was so surreal.  That's the only word I can call it.   surreal

John's parents took him to the surgeon today because of a walnut sized bulge under the incision.  They'll do a ct scan tomorrow and we'll get the results Thursday.  The debate is whether or not it's tumor coming out or infection.  Good grief. 

I was telling my massage therapist I about a discussion I had with myself.  "Which is worse, losing a spouse to divorce or death?"  My decision was divorce because it is so full of hate and meanness, stress and fear of a different kind, and going through this process of John's dying is so full of love and laughter, it feels totally different than divorce.  And I guess I mean 'worse' in a terrible way, not necessarily 'harder' or 'saddest'.

John has a hard time remembering the kids' names, so he's numbered them.  #3, West, asked me, "Will you still live in your house when Uncle Dennis is dead?"  I told him I would.  Jennifer said he's full of questions, so I told him I'd answer anything he asks.  He didn't have anymore questions while they were here, but he did give lots of hugs.

We've gotten paperwork signed and witnessed for Hospice, the funeral home, anatomical board, will, poa, dnr, and a bunch more.  John's family has been a big help hauling him around last week and this.  He said today when he handed me all the papers, "I'm ready to go now."
And he is.  I'm not ready for him to go, tho.