It's been a fun, exhausting, emotional, busy week with Tim and Jennifer and the kids here, along with John's parents.  Last night, we had a delicious steak dinner at Jennifer's mom's, and reality
finally hit me in the face when it came time to go home.  Tim's crew was leaving for Idaho the next morning, and I realized Tim will probably never see John again. 
The realization dangled around as we took family pictures and silently overtook us all when we started giving good-bye hugs.
Jennifer's mom, Georgena, had her back to us doing dishes when we came in to tell her thank you again and give Jennifer her hugs.  When Georgena turned around, her eyes were filled with huge tears.  That's when we all lost it.  John, of course, was the strong one.  He laughed it off saying we were girlie girls or something like that.
Tim met us at the car and couldn't talk.  They shared "I love you's" and hugs.  A couple of people stood on the porch and watched from a safe distance. 
It was so surreal.  That's the only word I can call it.   surreal

John's parents took him to the surgeon today because of a walnut sized bulge under the incision.  They'll do a ct scan tomorrow and we'll get the results Thursday.  The debate is whether or not it's tumor coming out or infection.  Good grief. 

I was telling my massage therapist I about a discussion I had with myself.  "Which is worse, losing a spouse to divorce or death?"  My decision was divorce because it is so full of hate and meanness, stress and fear of a different kind, and going through this process of John's dying is so full of love and laughter, it feels totally different than divorce.  And I guess I mean 'worse' in a terrible way, not necessarily 'harder' or 'saddest'.

John has a hard time remembering the kids' names, so he's numbered them.  #3, West, asked me, "Will you still live in your house when Uncle Dennis is dead?"  I told him I would.  Jennifer said he's full of questions, so I told him I'd answer anything he asks.  He didn't have anymore questions while they were here, but he did give lots of hugs.

We've gotten paperwork signed and witnessed for Hospice, the funeral home, anatomical board, will, poa, dnr, and a bunch more.  John's family has been a big help hauling him around last week and this.  He said today when he handed me all the papers, "I'm ready to go now."
And he is.  I'm not ready for him to go, tho.