plodding on

Got a job offer at Prudential yesterday.  I met with my financial guys, who I've worked with for several years, who know my 'financial' story.  They told me about a meeting with young business women the night before, advising them on investing early and consistently.  I said if they ever needed a live testimonial, let me know because I'm passionate about 'what not to do.'  That's when he said he'd like to hire me to talk to women especially, and would I like to see the desk I would have if I took the job.  Part time while I continued teaching; etc.
food for thought

My first grief counseling session came next.  What is it that as soon as she starts talking, I melt?  In a puddle?  But in a very good, needed way.  There are things I'm already doing well.  I need to stay open to the idea that if I go back to school and then decide I can't finish, it's ok.  She said I'm not ready for group counseling because at group, you hear others' stories and problems, and right now, I need to focus on mine.  She's right.  When people I don't know very well start in on their experiences, I glaze over. 
The reason I slept SO well the first week or so was from exhaustion, but now the major exhaustion is over and my body still thinks it needs to wake up every hour or so to give medicine, which is why I wake up a lot in the night.  This, too, shall pass.  I do need to get on a sleep pattern close to what I have when I work.  As it is now, I can hardly stay up until 11 p.m. because of not getting good sleep the night before.  When I try to nap during the day, I usually can't.  I rest but not sleep.
It's good I blog at night to empty my mind before sleeping.
While I'm out of school, I'm going to counseling every week.  It was very good.

Georgena and Dana want to go to Daytona next weekend. 

Worked in the yard three days this week and it felt wonderful.  The bradford pears, camilias, fuscia, and spirea are blooming spectacularly. 

checklist

Thank you notes are like rabbits.  They multiply uncontrollably.  As soon as I think I've made a dent in them, the list mocks me. 

Got the ten copies of John's death certificate. 



Called my roofer to make an appointment for an estimate on getting the roof redone.  First time since the original.  Almost 60 years is a great record.  And I need them to patch the gunshot puncture in the flat roof they redid a couple of years ago.  Yea, a bullet was there when I went up to take pictures of the beautifully blooming tree tops.  A 308.  My favorite caliber.  Who knows.......................................Yes, it's been fired, probably into the air and happened to land on my roof.

A person's handwriting is so important, especially after they're gone.  It is the essence of them left behind.  Like a piece of clothing still holding their smell.  It makes it seem as though they're still around.  Like they haven't left.  Their mark on the world.  Proof of their existence.  

A couple of days ago, while getting the riding mower ready for another season, I remembered last summer.  John was working, slowly, but regularly.  When I would mow, even if I had my cell with me in my pocket, I couldn't feel it vibrating because of the mower's motion, nor could I hear it because of the noise.  To be able to get John's call should he need me, I taped a ziplok bag to the steering wheel and put my cell in it to be able to see the face light up.   There was a little lurch of the heart when I realized I didn't need to do that anymore.

One night during the time John used the shower chair to bathe, I set it by the tub while I took a bubble bath.  He came in and sat on it, wiggled his fingers in the water looking for the wash cloth.  I handed it to him and he washed my back like I did his.  When he started to put the rag back in the water, I stuck my foot up for him to wash, too.  And the other one.  He got a kick out of it.  He didn't have a lot of words that night, but I knew he was "paying me back" for all the times I'd bathed him. 
It's little happenings such as this that I'm remembering lately.  Something I do or see in the house brings back memories of goofy things we did together while I've been off work, or as the seasons change now, I think of how it was a year ago.

Starting grief counseling with Hospice this Friday. 

Friends are still coming to visit. 
great friends
  

it's not about me; it's not about you

John's memorial was absolutely perfect.  The soundman was able to get the videos to work, everyone who spoke honored John's humor, zest for life, and love of Christ.  There were so many people from each aspect of his life: childhood, school, business colleagues and property owners, church.  It was a great tribute to a great life.  The message resounded:  it's not about John or his illness or even his life.  It's about God and Christ's redemption available to us as fallen, sinful creatures.  Therein lies our hope.

The other night I stared at the stars and wondered where heaven really is.  Having seen the documentary on the Hubble Space Telescope and the eons of universes out there, it makes heaven seem almost impossible to find.  How can a person take one breath on earth and their next be in heaven?  These are questions I've pondered before, but now that John is there it is more urgent to me to find answers.  Of course there is a whole lot of trust needed in these concepts.  After the memorial service I voiced my 'where is heaven' question to a very good friend with whom John enjoyed talking about God.  My friend thinks heaven is another dimension.  I can wrap my mind around that.  good answer

The Whataburgers at the reception were a hit, especially with the guys.  And talk about grown men crying.....it was touching to see the expression of emotion for how deeply John touched others.  My school went above and wayyyyyyy beyond in supplying food for the reception.  Even the church ladies were surprised.

I'm sure I'll be processing the memorial for a while.  It was amazing once again how God orchestrates events to perfection.

remembrance table

take note

No luck on my video.  Couldn't get it to transfer to another program, so I totally redid it on John's computer. Stayed up until almost 2 a.m.  It saved it, played it, but when I tried it today, it was lost.  I'm going to set up his computer in the lobby and show just my pictures as a slideshow.

I finally found the video John made.  And boy, am I glad I watched it before the memorial service.  He didn't let me see the ending, and I knew I'd better.  There are three versions.  The first is incomplete.  The second and third are the same song/pictures, but John put a different written message at the end of each.  The one I'm using tomorrow says, "I love you, Laura.  Remember, God is a personality."  He would always remind me that God is real with a real personality and character, not a spirit out in the milky way somewhere.  The other ending was, "I love you, Laura.  I will be back for my body some day."  That phrase may be a little freaky to some at the memorial, but we had long talks about how those in Christ will come back with him one day and our bodies, somehow in some form, will be restored.

Today, our classmate, Roger, posted a fabulous video he made with a lot of the same pictures I was using, so we'll try to use it in the service.

Wednesday night, I searched a lot of places looking for "things" to put on the remembrance table at the memorial.  In my search, I found several more sticky notes from John.  One was in a drawer I hardly ever go in.  I stuck it to the outside of the chest of drawers.  One was in a tin of his that contains foreign money and other trinkets from his past.  I can't figure out what he wrote.  It says, "sinc cupper   xxxoooxxx   Love, John". 

The best find so far, though, was in with the digital camera and flashdrives John put pictures and writing on.  He took a small flip calendar from his bank and circled his birthday, and wrote the x's and o's, and John Cogdill.  On a whim, I flipped to my birthday.  Sure enough.....well, almost.  On the September page, he wrote my name at the top, circled the 24th instead of the 28th, and "Love, John ooooxxxx".  In the picture for my month, he wrote his name twice and more x's and o's. 

Uncle D.C. and Brian got here from Macon.  They're staying with my parents.  Haven't seen them in over 10 years.  I think there's going to be a crowd tomorrow.  Lots of people helping make it a special, special day. 

in the tree stand

so many plans

Walked around the neighborhood with Betsy yesterday and my hips are sore today.  Can tell I've been sitting on my behind for a month. 
This morning started with a meeting with Pastor Bob to plan John's memorial service.  Enjoyed talking with him and remembering times John and I shared.  I think the service is going to be a great tribute to a wonderful, full life.

Mama and I had lunch in Havana.  Sarah came over and Gwendolyn soon joined her.  Randi and Jessica came later.  You know how it is when a bunch of teachers get together.  We do what we do best:  talk.

Pastor Bob suggested I have a scripture verse on the back of the service program.  There are quite a few I could think of and wanted to find which of them meant the most to John.  I got out his Bible and first checked his notepad stuck inside.  Guess what I found.  Another sticky note from him.  This one said, "Love ya! John  oooxxxooo   12-1-10".  It got me searching the pages for more.  On the dedication page he wrote, "John & Laura    Love ya!"

One of John's favorite scriptures to read and to have me read to him was John 12-17.  It wasn't until December that he told me why it was so special to him.  It was the passage he was studying the night he had his first seizure, and since then, he wasn't able to read and study it to the extent he desired. 
At the top of the page of John 14 he wrote, "Love Laura xxooxx".

John took a photograph of a flower in our yard soon after he quit working and I got him the digital camera.  I kept the picture on my computer lapboard.  He hid the picture in his Bible and wrote on the back, "John  ooxx".

The scripture I was leaning to most for the program was John 3:16.  On that page was another sticky note.  "Laura, Christ is Jesus      John xxxxooo".   Definitely the passage we'll put in the program.

Now to get the slideshow to work.................

note of the day

Today I found one of John's notes in my Bible while searching for a particular
scripture for his memorial service. 

His obit was in the Democrat today.  Looks really nice.

This picture was taken a few years ago at my parents'. 

hidden messages

For several months, John has hidden love notes to me all over the house.  I found a couple of them months ago but put them back to "find" another time.  Just found a new one in the basket by my bed, which is filled with pens, note pads, a Bible, lotion, flashlight....all those handy bedside items.  In it, John had hidden a sugar packet from Circle K and on it he wrote
"sugar xoxo  John". 
how sweet

He wrote a few notes even when he could hardly spell or write.  He showed some of them to my sister.  She told me not to get rid of anything, even books, without going through them first.  He told me he was glad he made the notes as far back as he did because he could write then.