School went well today.  The kids were tired coming off spring break, but they worked hard and cooperatively.  My massage after school helped.  Dog tired.  This morning was the earliest I've gotten up in months!  44 days until summer!

hi ho, hi ho

..........it's back to work I go.  Got a lot accomplished today.   Sorta have a grip on where we are in the grand scheme of things.

Not long after I received my beautiful engagement ring, I either used hand sanitizer or a bathroom cleaning product that tarnished the gold and turned it purple.  Where my finger constantly rubs the band, the tarnish came off.  Last week I took it in to the Gem Collection to see what happened and to get it cleaned....hopefully.  I just about had a meltdown driving down Capital Circle toward the store.  I got John's wedding ring from the Gem Collection, and we looked there for mine.  I had a hard time giving the girl my ring.  Then when she said she needed to take it up to the jeweler, I sat down and nervously waited for her return.  She was gone a while, brought it back into her room to blow it dry, and it was fabulous!  The jeweler sent me a message to NOT do that again.  I assured her I take it off now when I clean.  A little while later I made a stop at my bank and the girl complimented my ring.  Made me feel good.

Yesterday was rough, probably because I knew I was going back to work today.  Plus Fred posted pictures from Kimberly's wedding and that made me think of Vickie which made me sad.
For years, when I'd make copies at school, I'd spend the time standing there talking on the phone with John.  One of the 'firsts' happened again.  I almost reached for the phone on the wall to call John as the copy machine whirred along.

first steps back

Went to church this morning.  Arrived late and left during the final prayer. Couldn't sing for crying but it felt good to be there.  When I used to go to church and John stopped going, I would set my cell phone on the chair next to me so I could see if John called.  Another one of those things I don't have to do anymore.

Actually cooked this afternoon:  ground venison, mixed with baked beans and bbq sauce; cornbread.  Will be good for lunches next week.

Was sad because John isn't here to clean the tile on the kitchen counter and wall because it's looking rough.  Then I remembered he left me the tile cleaner.  The only thing I didn't have was the big machine, and didn't need it.  Got busy with a toothbrush after church and it worked well.  Now the tile is shiny and clean.

Still have lots of unfinished "business" from John's stuff &/or mine.  Can't think of one thing I've completed, mainly because you fill out a form and then have to wait.  But work begins tomorrow and I'll have to juggle phone calls, faxes, emails, letters, paperwork, and kids.

My counselor says I should blog more. 
I didn't realize how "out of touch" I'd become in those last months.  John liked tv commercials muted.  Lately, I've seen several of them with the sound 'on' and have been surprised at the music or conversations in the commercials.  I had never heard them.

Going back to work Monday.  Planning day.  Counseling, massage, ball games all next week.  Talk about jumping back in with both feet! 

I feel very close to John when I sing/listen to Christian music.  He is where I'm singing about, with God, knowing the mysteries and glories we only sing about with words we think describe heaven, God, angels.  Part of me is here and part of me is there.

Today is the 139th anniversary of the 7.8-8.2 earthquake in California that my novel is set around. 

I ordered John's headstone last week.  It's plain but nice. 

Three good movies:  The Unknown, Lincoln Lawyer, The Adjustment Bureau.

snippets

John was creative with graphics and layouts, composing ads, and even took a couple of graphic design classes. 

Yesterday, I rifled through four years of John's old business papers to burn.  I found a couple of pictures he had taken of carpet cleaning products, as though he were working up an ad for them.  He had been a member of the Capital City Apartment Association, which he told me about, to get his foot in the door with managers and others in that realm.  Nothing shocking or surprising in the boxes.  I saved an old Valentine his mom made for him in the early 1990's.  
He couldn't spell back then either.

I finally decided what to do with all these sticky notes John left me.  I'm going to put them in an album and label them with when and where I find it.  Will be fun to look back on one day.  I'm afraid if I leave them where I find them, I'll forget where they are and throw some out or have to relook for them later.

Still writing thank you notes. 
I can tell I'm working in the yard a lot because my nails are suffering.
We're having a beautiful spring.  It's dry and yellow-green from pollen, but as soon as we get a good rain, the grass will pop out and the mowing will begin.  ugh

One week until heading back to school.  
Sleeping pretty good at night.  Still going to grief counseling. 
Saw "Unknown" with Liam Neeson last night.  great twists and action

time change

My husband was brilliantly creative.  The time changed Saturday night, and when I took the kitchen clock off the wall to turn the hands forward, guess what I found stuck to the back of the clock.
A sticky note from John with the Bible verse that says, "Hear O, Israel, the Lord thy God is one." 

I had a good visit with John's parents in Daytona Saturday.  Spring breakers and bike week had the traffic heavy in both directions.  Mr. John looks like himself, a little pale, tired, but holding his own.  His red, white, hemoglobin, platelets are all about half what they should be.  Gloria fixed lunch for us.  They found John's birth certificate and his sixth grade graduation certificate, but forgot to give them to me.  Gloria said she'd mail it.  I took them the obituary, the programs, thank you notes, a copy of the pages from the guestbook, and I let them look at the book of condolences from the Democrat I had made.

The soundman from the church called to let me know his computer lost all video files before he could make a copy of John's memorial service.  He does have an audio of it.  I didn't know what to say.  What can you say?  I'm going to pick up a copy of the audio Wednesday while I'm in town.  

Two weeks and counting until work.
Still going to grief counseling.
Working in the yard a lot.  good therapy

thankful

I Peter 3:12 quotes Psalm 34:15:  "The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their prayers;"

This reminds me of God's protection through John's illness.  His being able to find my number in his phone even when he wasn't aware of what he was doing. When he'd stumble along in the house or even fall: the left side of his head never hit anything.  Getting him in and out of the tub, and I'm not that strong. Working long days, determined to uphold promises made to customers.   

How many thousand prayers did I, and others, offer up for John's protection as he moved about in constant decline?  The Lord's eyes really are on those who belong to Him.   Thank you, Lord.