in his own words.....and spelling

While going through John's facebook messages, I found this reply to a friend.  It so beautifully sums up his frame of mind when he found out he had a brain tumor.  I'll leave the spelling as he typed it because it shows the effects of the two seizures he had about a month before.  It was dated Oct. 28, 2009.  


If I was independently wealth I could just live out the last 4 years relaxed until I died. However, I am not capable. The doctors have been real honest and I really appreciate it. They told me the tumor was what they expected and at the most optimistically I have is 3-4 years if the tumor response. The slim possibility is past 5 years. I really am glad to have time to plan so I am getting things ready now so those close to me want have so much to do.

It could be a lot worst. There are kids up there who have not really expected high school. I have already done all that. The greatest thing about my situation dieing is my world view. I have taken the last 7 years and examined what I have been taught and found it to be true. Christianity is the only philosophy which makes more since compared against all the other positions. I am following a logical and rational position which Jesus the man/God taught was rational. If this would have happened to me 10 years ago I would have been on my knees crying to go to heal me thinking I could convince Him to do it. Now I am content. With the teaching past down by the inspiration through the Apostles (12) that allows me to be content I will not die. My person will never stop existing. When I leave temporarily my physical body I am promised to return not only to my body but with the Christ in His second advent.

It has been a great last 50 years because I fond God is knowable and He revealed Himself rational.

saturated Saturday

What a day! 
 Yesterday I spent the day at the county office as a writing consultant, giving feedback on the writing process in primary grades.  It was fun and encouraging. 

Harry and Suzanne came to the house after work to go through John's books, videos, dvd's, and cd's I didn't want to keep.  They took home 4 boxes, which left me with only about 3 for the garage sale.
Sharon spent the night last night and we went to the Havana Relay for Life.  I bought cookies from my neighbor, Judy's, tent and got a caretaker pin.  They didn't have caretaker shirts this year, but I collect pins, so this was even better.  Sharon got a pin for Mama, too. 

The rain began around 10:30 p.m.  When we got up this morning, it had stopped, and we went on with the garage sale set-up.  We put it in the driveway this time to make it easier to pull in if it rained.  IF....haha.....thunder, lightning, ladies shopping holding umbrellas.  Sold the old lawn mower!  Traffic stopped during the worst of the rain.  We're going to do another garage sale in a few weeks and give it another try.
I wore one of John's favorite old t-shirts.  This is he first garage sale in years that he hasn't been at.  It was a year ago when we had the garage sale to get rid of his excess stuff right after we got married, and ended up taking him to the hospital that night to find he had air in his brain. 
a nightmare weekend

Georgena and I walked around Edinburgh Thursday.  3.5 miles....hard in the heat, but not impossible.  Need to do that a gazillion times more before heading to Glacier this summer.

Me on the old mower [ca. 1989]

aftermath

Glad to be home today.  Mentally tired.
Mr. John's funeral was nice, especially the military honors at the gravesite.
The church gave a reception after the funeral.  Tim and the kids, Georgena and I went to eat, then left pretty soon after. 
The preacher appologized for not knowing I was there or mentioning me in the service.

Roof inspector came this morning.  He said everything is as it should be, although I think some of the flashing gaps under shingles too much in places. 

making John proud

My goal this weekend is to make John proud and represent him well.
It's mother's day.  While Gloria was out with a friend picking up lunch, I trimmed the bushes out front with the dullest clippers I've ever used.  Kohle helped me by bagging up the clippings.

Georgena and I took the kids to a movie [Rio].  When we got home, Gloria immediately appologized to me for my name not being in Mr. John's obituary.  Tim pointed it out to her today.  The funeral home wrote the obit, and when she and Tim proofed it, they couldn't read the bottom where the names were listed.  Gloria said as they talked with the funeral home lady about Mr. John, a man in the room wrote down what they said and used that info for the obit. 
I was hurt that my name wasn't listed, but didn't say anything to anyone in the family.  It wasn't my pride that was hurt but John's memory.  He was proud to be married and now it wouldn't be known in Mr. John's written legacy. 
Gloria said she was going to give the funeral home down the road about them leaving off my name, but they'd probably blame it on her.  Personally, I think they didn't mention John having been married when they talked to the people, so they didn't know to put me in. 

Tomorrow will be a long, emotional day.  I'm taking John's silk hankie from his wedding tux with me, along with a metal pocket 'stone' with xoxo I gave him.  Wanted something of him with me at the funeral.

so many firsts

Sharon, Marshall, and I went to Oven Park on May 5th, mine and John's first wedding anniversary.  It was a Thursday afternoon, and a couple was getting married at the gazebo just like we did the year before.
I brought the bear, sparkling grape juice, cheese, lemon bars, the duckies, and Sharon brought bananas, crackers, paper towel...all the necessities.  We walked around the park.  The flowers were beautiful, and the weather was still cool.  It was a great way to celebrate. 

Today I am in Daytona.  It's Saturday, and Mr. John's funeral is Monday.  Georgena and I came on so she/we could spend time with Georgia and Kohle, and get them out of the house.  This afternoon, we took them to the beach to walk around and got ice cream on the way home. 

Gloria is doing ok.  She tears up when she talks about 'things', but all in all, she's holding it together.  Her former sister-in- law and husband are also here for a few days.  Tim went with us to get burgers this afternoon, and he talked a lot about his dad's final days.  It's been a hard time for them, but it worked out best that Tim came to help out. 

At lunch, I noticed how much Tim's arms look like John's.  Same freckles, hair, shape.  I had a moment of fighting tears, and went out on the deck to process it all.  The quiet didn't last long with two pre-teens around. 

My Mother's Day Tea at school went very well.  It was also teacher appreciation week, so several moms brought me bouquets of flowers.  woohoo

sunday sunday sunday

It seems Sundays are going to be the day to go through John's stuff, especially with the garage sale coming in two weeks.  Didn't find any sticky notes today :( but I'm sure there are more.  I've been thru all his clothes, shoes, and 90% of his books.  After the books, the only thing left is finishing the filing in his office.  He really did a good job going thru things when he moved in..........which brings me to the most traumatic weekend of my life.  Yes, even worse than him dying.

It was almost exactly a year ago, when his brain filled with air instead of fluid, and he went nuts.  We had been married almost two weeks, had a garage sale planned, he couldn't go to his shed to load up for the garage sale, in-law family helped.  I ended up taking John to the hospital that night and he had surgery again to re-do the incision.
It was just awful..............and I remembered today that it was almost a year ago.

Our first first wedding anniversary is on the 5th.  Will have to think of something special to do for it. 

New roof work begins tomorrow.  yippeee

Easter 2010

catching up

blog, blog, blog
or blah, blah, blah


Haven't wanted to blog, but there's a lot going on in my mind.
Need to back way up and try to remember what's gone on.

Kelly nominated me for a Monday Morning Makeover with WCTV.  Had my nails and hair done.  It was fun.  The girl who 'did me' went to Springwood many years ago.  She's 21 now.  I didn't know her then.  Haven't been on WCTV's website or program yet.

Easter Saturday was a tough day.  I started out working in the yard, but had no motivation or pep.  After lunch, I decided to give in to the feeling and spend the rest of the afternoon on the couch.  Took a cat nap, watched TV.  Easter Sunday was special, thinking about John in heaven celebrating his first Easter there with Jesus, the reason for our hope.  Lunch with the family, then home.  Put on John's hat and started going through the chest of drawers, getting ready for our upcoming garage sale.  I found 5 sticky notes!  One of them said, "Christ is coming!"  How appropriate for Easter.  The funniest place he put a sticky note was in the last pair of his favorite underwear.  [inside joke]
In a book entitled "A Time of Departing", John highlighted the title page and signed his name with xxoo's.  Those words must have resonated with him. 

Just as there were markers of decline for me to watch for in John, I am discovering what his main marker was:  signing his name.  Going through things in his office, I've found page after page where John practiced signing his name.  I knew he did this when he got ready to sign the photographs he had blown up for me, but other pages are in different notebooks, scratch pads, on sheets of notebook paper.  One of the sticky notes I found the other day was late in the process, when he started printing his name only and spelling it 'Johe'.  I've put them all in a little photo album, with an explanation of where and when I found them.

Thinking about joining First Bapt. Havana choir this summer.
Need to fill out the papers to recertify.
Need to walk more to prepare for hiking this summer.
Want to volunteer more at the museum this summer.
Got up at 5:30 a.m. to watch Catherine and William marry.
Was suppose to have new shingles delivered Friday but they weren't......
film update:  the Brownie camera film had no pictures on it.  The 126 had about 5 pictures.  One was of a man on a couch.  Had it printed to see if it's Mr. John.  Had to take the camera apart to try to get that special ADX film out.  It's being developed now.

Tim, Georgia, and Kohle have come from Idaho.  Got to Daytona last night.  Mr. John has been in the hospital for several days.  They give him transfusions and platelets, and within a few hours, the platelets are gone from his body.  Tim helped get him home today, there won't be any more treatments, and Gloria called Hospice today to get support. 

make-over hair